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The Twin Terror of Texarkana

by John Cosper

(Three chairs are set up on stage facing stage right, one behind the other. The Narrator sits down stage left.)

NARR- In the days of the old west, many lawless men and women roamed the plains.

These outlaws, who committed murder and robbed trains, banks, stagecoaches, even little boys with lollipops became legendary for their daring heists. Their names have passed into American folklore: Jesse James, Cole Younger, the Daltons, Billy the Kid, and that oh so famous gunfighter and robber who was so feared, no one dares speak his name to this very day. This, however, is not the story of one of those famous outlaws, but an outlaw of much lower renown and esteem, who never the less earned himself the nickname: The Twin Terror of Texarkana!

(Engineer Bob enters ringing a bell from stage right. Alicia and Percy enter from stage left.)

NARR- Our story begins on the Western Express train.

BOB- (yells out) Board! Board!

(Louie enters from stage left carrying a board. He comes up behind Percy, cuts in front of him, and smacks him in the head with the board.)

BOB- I tried to warn you!

(As narration continues, Louie exits. Percy stands, holding his head. Engineer Bob checks Alicia and Percy's tickets. Alicia sits in the middle chair. Percy sits in the stage left chair. Red runs on, his bandana mask down. Engineer Bob checks his ticket, and Red sits in the stage right chair. Engineer Bob exits.)

NARR- Many important people rode the Western Express, the main rail line connecting

the Old West with the more established States in the East. Fortune hunters looking for gold and lost treasure. Missionaries headed west to start new churches. School teachers newly educated going to teach the children of the West. And actors and actresses anxious to break into pictures in Hollywood. Such a diverse group of people proved to be an irresistable temptation to outlaws like Red Granger, the Twin Terror of Texarkana, who robbed the train more than once. But on this particular day, the Twin Terror will meet up with two individuals that will change his life forever: an adventurous school teacher, and a man in search of a great hidden treasure.

(Red puts his mask on, stands, and draws his gun.)

RED- Awwright, little lady, old man, freeze!

ALICIA- Oh my!

PERCY- I beg your pardon, dear fellow, but what do you think you're doing?

RED- What do you mean? I think I'm ROBBING you!

PERCY- Robbery?

RED- Yes, as in me point gun, you be afraid, give me money!

PERCY- Dear boy, this is no way to make a living. Putting guns in good citizen's faces

and expecting a return on investment! If you really want to make money, you should find a product or service the public can't do without and sell it.

RED- You need air to breathe, don’t you?

PERCY- Yes!

RED- Well gimme money and I'll let you keep breathing air!

ALICIA- That sounds fair! (hands Red her change purse) Here, just don't hurt me!

RED- Thank you, ma'am. Now come on, British boy. Fork it over.

PERCY- (stands) No.

RED- No? Don't you know who I am?

PERCY- Should I?

RED- I'm Red Granger, the Twin Terror of Texarkana!

PERCY- The Twin Terror?

RED- Of Texarkana!

PERCY- That's the stupidest nickname I ever heard.

RED- Why do you say that?

PERCY- Well, there's one of you. You're not exactly a Twin.

RED- My brother and I are twins.

PERCY- Nevertheless, you should really change your name. For instance, you could be

the Lone Terror of--

RED- Quiet you! Now give me your dough, or I'm gonna shoot ya!

PERCY- You'll just have to shoot me then.

RED- Awwright. On the count of three. One… Two… Uhh, One… Two…

ALICIA- Three!

(Red fires. Percy falls.)

RED- What??? Wait! You weren't supposed to fall!

ALICIA- Yes he was! You shot him!

RED- But my gun doesn't have real bullets. They're blanks!

ALICIA- Are you sure? I mean after all, you were having trouble counting to three.

RED- You're the one who counted to three! Why did you do it?

ALICIA- I'm a school teacher. I thought you were having trouble counting, so I felt

compelled to help.

(Percy stands.)

RED- What? He's alive!

PERCY- Yes, I have an allergy to violence. When ever I feel something violent is going

to happen I faint.

RED- You mean if I did this--

(Red pulls back to punch Percy. Percy faints.)

RED- Well I'll be.

ALICIA- Isn't that funny?

PERCY- (waking) Would you please stop doing that?

RED- Sure, no problem.

PERCY- And give me a hand?

(Red helps Percy to his feet.)

PERCY- You still want to rob me?

RED- Rob you? Yeah, sure. Gimme your money.

PERCY- I'm afraid I do not have much money on me. However, I think I can offer you

something far greater than money. Treasure!

RED- Really?

PERCY- You see, I'm from England, and I've come in search of a treasure. The great

treasure of a famous Spanish conquistador.

RED- Con queso? I love con queso!

ALICIA- No, dummy, I said conquistador, not con queso.

RED- What's the difference?

PERCY- Conquistadors were Spanish explorers who roamed the new world looking for

treasure.

RED- Oh, that is different than con queso.

PERCY- Yes, and one of those conquistadors found the greatest treasure of them all.

ALICIA- You don't mean Fernando de la Columbo de la Francisco de la Burrito de la

Jones.

PERCY- Yes, I do mean Fernando de la Columbo de la Francisco de la Burrito de la

Jones.

RED- Who was Fernando de la Colorado de la… Who was that guy?

ALICIA- Supposedly, he found the greatest treasure in the whole, wide world. But he

disappeared and was never seen again, lost forever with his treasure.

PERCY- And I, Percy Branaugh, have discovered the lost map which identifies the

location of Fernando de la Columbo de la Francisco de la Burrito de la Jones' treasure.

(Percy pulls out a map.)

NARR- With that, Percy pulled out a map to show his new acquaintances the location of

the treasure.

ALICIA & RED- Oooooooo!

PERCY- But the road to the treasure is fraught with danger.

RED- What's fraught mean?

ALICIA- It means that we'll find a lot of trouble on the road.

RED- What you mean we?

ALICIA- As in you, Percy, and myself.

PERCY- No, I can't take a school teacher into such peril.

ALICIA- Who wants to teach school? I only went to teaching college so I could get a free

ride out west. I was going to become a cattle rustler. But searching for lost treasure is good.

PERCY- (offers his hand) Percy Branaugh.

ALICIA- Alicia Ferguson.

RED- Red Granger, the Twin Terror of--

PERCY- Yes, we know.

(The three exit stage right. Stage hands clear the chairs.)