Ted: The Merchant of Jerusalem

by John Cosper

SCENE ONE

The stage is black. A telephone tone is heard. There's a click, then Sonny's voice.

SONNY- Hi there, you've reached the voice mail of Sonny Hinton... the Jaguar of Jerusalem!! I'm sorry I missed your call, as I am probably fighting for law and justice in the court room like a jaguar at the Colisseum. But if you'll leave a message, I'll get back to you as soon as I finish cleaning my claws.

Lights up on Ted's place, a modest first century home. Some chairs, a couch, an eating area with table and chairs, and a desk are arranged without any sense of feng shui. Ted, still frazzled, stands by his desk on the telephone.

TED- Hi, Sonny. This is Ted Harper... again. I know you're busy on a case this week. Your charming receptionist made it clear in the KINDEST of terms. But I really need to speak with you ASAP regarding the utter ruin of my life. Remember the pig fiasco a few years back? This is worse. WAY worse. So call me and earn your retainer you lousy bum.

Ted hangs up. Meat enters. He carries Heather under his arm, her feet facing forward, her head backstage. She carries a palm branch and is giggling. Ted stands to meet him.

MEAT- Bad news, boss. I checked the courtyard, and everything's gone. Not only the livestock, the money, but even the pack of Twinkies we kept under the counter.

TED- Oh well. The Twinkies were your snack.

MEAT- They took your peanuts too.

Ted kicks a chair over in frustration.

MEAT- But I did manage to find this.

Meat turns around. Heather looks up at Ted.

HEATHER- Hi, Bubby!!!

TED- Heather.

Meat sets Ted down.

HEATHER- Did you have a good day?

TED- Oh... I've had better.

HEATHER- Lookie what I got!

Heather waves the palm branch in Ted's face.

TED-Oh! Hey! Cut it out!!

HEATHER- Isn't it glorious??

TED- It's a palm branch! You know I'm allergic!!

HEATHER- I plucked it off a tree when we were welcoming the Lord!

TED- Lord?

HEATHER- Yeah! It was so cool. He was sitting on your car--

TED- Whoa, wait a minute. MY car?

HEATHER- Yes.

TED- How did he get my car?

HEATHER- His friends borrowed it.

TED- How did his friends borrow my car?

HEATHER- They told me they needed it.

TED- They what??

HEATHER- They told me they needed the keys because the Lord needed the car. So I gave it to them.

TED- I don't believe I'm hearing this.

HEATHER- It was glorious, big bubby! People were laying down their coats and waving palm branches (waves it in Ted's face) like this one.

TED- Cut it out!

HEATHER- And we all yelled HOSANNA! BLESSED IS HE WHO COMES IN THE NAME OF THE LORD!

TED- The Lord who?

HEATHER- I dunno.

Heather skips off. Ted watches her go.

TED- She gave my car away!

MEAT- At least you know it wasn't stolen.

TED- That doesn't put the car back in my driveway, Meat.

MEAT- Hey, someone needs a hug.

TED- Don't touch me, Meat. I'm not in the mood.

MEAT- You're never in the mood.

TED- Take a hint!! I don't hug!

There's a knock at the door.

TED- Who is it?!?!?

Sonny enters. He goes right to work, making himself at home at Ted's desk, getting ready to take notes.

SONNY- Did somebody call a lawyer?

TED- Sonny? Where the heck have you been?

SONNY- Sorry, pal, I was filing some paperwork on a major case.

TED- Major case? What is it, defending another jay-walker?

SONNY- Hey, I'm moving up in the world, pal. I'm on a death penalty case.

TED- You what?

SONNY- That's right.

TED- How in the world did you get a death penalty case?

SONNY- Public defender's office needed help. There are so many insurgents and would-be Messiahs getting arrested, they're overloaded with cases. So I got in on the action.

TED- I can't believe anyone would trust you with their life.

SONNY- Why do you say that? You trust me!

TED- If I could afford a better lawyer, I wouldn't.

SONNY- And throw away twenty years of friendship? You don't mean that.

MEAT- He's right, Ted. A good friend is hard to find.

TED- Can it, Meat.

SONNY- Okay, boys. Tell me about your day.

TED- My day… it was a busy morning. First day of Passover week, busiest week of the year in our business. Meat and I were open early, working hard.

MEAT- I sold three lambs this morning.

SONNY- Good for you!

TED- Then all of a sudden, this crazed redneck comes through with a whip, overturning the tables at some of the other sales booths. He's dumping out the registers, and whipping the animals into a frenzy.

MEAT- It was chaos man! Doves, goats, sheep, running all over the place.

SONNY- Animals running amock in the temple? That's awesome!!

Ted glares at Sonny.

SONNY- I mean... wow, that's, that's terrible.

TED- Yes, it's terrible! Especially because our booth was one of the ones he wrecked. He flipped the table over, kicked the money drawer, and chased all the animals out of the stall, all the time calling us robbers.

MEAT- I'm no robber! I never stole from any body.

SONNY- And they just let this guy run wild on you? Where was security?

TED- Who knows? But this guy had a whole mob of people backing him up, cheering and screaming. And right behind him... peasants.

SONNY- Peasants?

TED- Filthy, dirty peasants, pushed us out of the way and stole everything. All our money, our livestock.

MEAT- Our Twinkies!

SONNY- Twinkies? Those barbarians!

TED- They took it all, Sonny. I was one good week away from having the money to get out of the livestock business forever.

SONNY- You're kidding. You're getting out?

TED- My uncle was going to sell me my parents' jewelry shop.

SONNY- I thought your uncle was on the High Council.

TED- He is. He took possession of the shop when my parents, but when I grew up, he refused to give it to me until I earned it. I've done everything. Pig farms, olive oil, sacrificial livestock... the Altar Beasts franchise was the last stepping stone.

SONNY- Altar Beasts?

MEAT- That’s the name of our store. Isn’t it great?

TED- Yes, great, our great store that’s now lying in ruins!

SONNY- Hey, hey, don't give up hope yet. You're insured, right?

TED- Yeah.

SONNY- Then you have nothing to worry about. All we gotta do is file a claim with the insurance company, and when you get the check, you can buy your uncle's store.

TED- You think you can get me that much?

SONNY- Right, right. I'll call my people down at the temple. Maybe someone got a look at him.

TED- You have people at the temple?

SONNY- (defensive) I know people!

TED- I sure hope so. Sonny, if corporate finds out about this, I'm ruined.

SONNY- Not to worry, my friend. First thing we'll do is contact your insurance agent. You have insurance, right?

TED- Yeah, bottom drawer. Simon and Simon Insurance.

Sonny opens the drawer and spots the file, pulling it out.

SONNY- All right. All we gotta do is call these people, get you a check, and you'll be in the jewelry business like that!

TED- Perfect!

Sonny pulls out his cell phone.

SONNY- Now where's that number? Ah yes.

Sonny's phone rings. He answers.

SONNY- Sonny Hinton, the Hammer of Justice... Yes, yes, I'll hold.

TED- Hammer of Justice? What happened to the Jaguar of Jerusalem?

SONNY- Somebody opened a Jaguar dealership on the west side, I had to change it. But I trademarked this one so I-- (hears a voice on the phone) Yes? Yes, your honor!... There is?... I am??... No, sir, I'm not doing anything important. I'll be right there.

Sonny hangs up.

SONNY- Sorry, Ted, appeals hearing. I gotta run.

TED- Sonny, I need you here!

SONNY- Not to worry, I'm here for ya. We'll talk to the insurance people tomorrow.

Sonny bolts out the door.

TED- Death penalty case. Just my luck.

MEAT- You want that hug now?

TED- No, I don't want that hug.

Heather dances through the living room and out the front door.

TED- Follow her, make sure she doesn't give anything else of mine away.

MEAT- You got it.

TED- And water the plants while you're at it. The fig's looking a little droopy.

Meat exits. Ted sits at his desk.

TED- This day cannot get any worse.

Susan walks in and slams the door, putting her hands on her hips as she glares at Ted.

SUSAN- Well there he is, hiding out at home. I should have known all that talk about working open to close was just hogwash!

TED- Susan, I can explain--

SUSAN- You better explain, mister! Explain to me how you can feed me a line over dinner last night about being short handed and not being able to spend as much time with me and my mother as I wanted. Explain how you stand me up at Cafe Metro of all places. Then explain why I find you playing hooky from work at home.

TED- Susan, I'm having a terrible day, and if you--

SUSAN- You're having a bad day? Do you know who was in Cafe Metro today? Maximus Rex!

TED- Maximus Rex?

SUSAN- The gladiator? The Pompeiian Powerhouse?

TED- What's he doing in town?

SUSAN- He's fighting at the arena, a special treat for the governor's wife on her birthday. He sees me all alone at my table, and comes over to buy me a drink.

TED- He did what??

SUSAN- He offered me a drink, and do you know what I told him, Ted? NO! No, Maximus Rex, you may not buy me a drink because my Ted, (starts to work up tears) my sweet precious Ted will be here any minute to buy me lunch.

TED- Oh boy.

SUSAN- I was humiliated, Ted!

TED- Susan, I'm sorry. But if you only knew what I've been through today--

SUSAN- Oh, fine, Ted. Let's make this all about you. I guess you want me to feel sorry for you because YOU hired an irresponsible loser who YOU let quit on you the busiest week of the year. Well I don't feel sorry for you. Do you hear me?

TED- I hear you, Susan. All of Jerusalem hears you. But you have to know that today...

SUSAN- Yes? Hmm? Let's hear it. I know you want to tell me.

TED- Susan, my car was stolen. And that's the main reason I was so distracted and couldn't make it to work.

SUSAN- You couldn't have walked? Left early? Had Meat cover for you?

TED- I guess, but by the time I knew the car was gone, I was already late.

SUSAN- Better late than never, Ted.

TED- I should have called. I know that, I let myself get distracted, and I'm sorry.

SUSAN- You certainly are.

TED- Let me make it up to you. We'll go out to dinner. Tonight, the Garden Plaza?

SUSAN- Sorry, Ted. I was so upset after lunch, I made an appointment at the spa.

TED- Tomorrow night, then.

SUSAN- Monday nights are bridge club. You know that.

TED- Tuesday?

SUSAN- Six PM Tuesday. You make the reservation, and don't be late. Rent a car if you have to, because I may want to go out and look at the stars afterwards.

TED- I promise, my love. I don't know what idiot stole my car, but rest assured--

Meat enters.

MEAT- Hey, Ted! That guy what borrowed your car just brought it back. They said thanks a million, and even topped it off for ya. Here's the keys.

TED- My car?

SUSAN- You liar!!

Susan storms out.

TED- Susan?? Susan, wait!! I can explain!

Ted walks back in and sits down, sulking. Meat pops him on the back.

MEAT- Women, huh?

Ted looks at Meat, helpless. Blackout.