A Very Morbid Christmas

by John Cosper

SCENE ONE

ANNETTE- Terminus City, a place where peace on Earth and good will to men is the

hope of every citizen every day of the year. But that is especially true in the month of December, with Christmas looming like a bright star on the 25th. Of course all is not peaceful and good in Terminus City. Evil lurks in the shadows like soap scum in the shower. But thankfully evil has a powerful adversary of its own thanks to that trio of heroes known as the Triumvirate: Master of the Obvious, Everyman, and their fearless leader, Morbidman!

(The heroes enter with a bucket, a bell, and Santa hats.)

EVERYMAN- Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, Terminus City! Merry Christmas to all!

MORBIDMAN- Oh please, Everyman, must you be so pedestrian?

EVERYMAN- Come on, O Morose One. Lay off the morbid act for one day. After all,

this is Christmas!

MORBIDMAN- I am well aware of the calendar, friend of the common man. Yet I am

also aware of my curse: that every day of my life must be the worst day of my life. Christmas is no exception.

MASTER- That is a very morbid outlook.

MORBIDMAN- I know it is. I am Morbidman.

MASTER- You are also a Grinch. A Scrooge. A party pooper.

MORBIDMAN- Yeah? What do you know about it?

MASTER- I am the Master of the Obvious!

MORBIDMAN- Why do we keep him around?

MASTER- Because I'm the best bowler of the three of us, and without me, you'd be the

worst team in the Terminus Lanes Bowling League.

MORBIDMAN- Don't broadcast that, you numbskull!

EVERYMAN- Hey, come on boys! Where's that Christmas spirit?

MORBIDMAN- Dead, with my dreams and hopes of a happy life. Dead with my former

sweetheart, Pamela McDaniels, killed years ago at Christmas when she fell into a vat of acid!

EVERYMAN- Dr. Insidious?

MORBIDMAN- Chemistry class.

(Christina, the Supreme Diva in her secret identity as an all-American teenager, enters.)

CHRISTINA- Well, well, well, what have we here? Why it's a trio of super heroes

collecting for the Salvation Army! How very festive of you!

EVERYMAN- Hello, Christina.

CHRISTINA- It does this good citizen good to see you supporting the community. But

you know, I think there's something else you ought to do this Christmas.

MORBIDMAN- And what might that be?

CHRISTINA- Well, being that I go to the high school, I just happen to be friends with the

girl who is really Terminus City's most feminine super hero, the Supreme Diva. And from what I hear, she is very keen to join your little band.

EVERYMAN- Oh give it up already!

MORBIDMAN- We are the Triumvirate. TRI-umvirate, meaning three. Not the

Quadumvirate.

EVERYMAN- And besides that, we know you're really the Supreme Diva.

MORBIDMAN- She is?? Oh, I mean, yes, she is! Of course you are!

CHRISTINA- Oh come on, fellas! I'm a great hero. And I have real super powers.

MORBIDMAN- Look, you stupid teenager, we have fought and lived as one unit. What

in the world would we gain if we added you to the mix?

MASTER- We wouldn't lose so much.

MORBIDMAN- Who's side are you on, Ed?

MASTER- The side of justice, freedom, and the American way.

MORBIDMAN- Yeah, yeah.

(Blackout.)

ANNETTE- Yes, even at Christmas time, Morbidman was cursed to be a miserable,

grumbling, complainer. But if it weren't for his morose nature, Terminus City would be without his services in the never-ending struggle against the forces of evil. For lurking in a quaint bungalow in the suburbs of the city is the twisted, foul, and evil mind of a criminal genius: Dr. Insidious!

SCENE TWO

(Lights up on the Insidious home, decked out lovingly for Christmas like a Norman Rockwell painting. Dr. Insidious is center, in front of the couch.)

DR. I- Darling!!! Darling, dearest, what have you done with my TV Guide???

KATHY- (musically from off stage) Look in the sofa cushions, pumpkin. That's usually

where it slips to.

ANNETTE- And living with the nefarious Dr. Insidious was his beloved wife, the rare

and beautiful jewel, Kathy Insidious. No one knows exactly what she sees in the foul villain, but she keeps the living and working environment of her criminal mastermind husband as cheerful as a fairy tale cottage.

DR. I- Say, that voice sounds familiar. Where do I know it from?

ANNETTE- From here. It's mine.

DR. I- Annette! Is that you? My favorite child TV star turned down-on-her-luck actress?

ANNETTE- Yes, Doc, it is I.

DR. I- What are you doing narrating the story?

ANNETTE- Well, the playwright didn't really have a role for me in the story. So I talked

him into letting me do some acting work as the Narrator.

DR. I- Really? Wow, so nice to see you're working anyway.

ANNETTE- Yes, it is nice.

DR. I- Now you can afford an extra nice Christmas present for your friend the evil Dr.

Insidious, right?

ANNETTE- Yeah, that'll happen. Now how about getting back to the story.

DR. I- The story? Right. Where were we?

ANNETTE- Sofa cushions. TV Guide.

DR. I- Ah yes. (rummages and finds TV Guide in couch) Ah, here it is. (sits) Let's see...

Rudolph, Frosty, It's a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, White Christmas, Christmas in Vermont, Christmas in Hawaii, Christmas in Bora Bora, Christmas with the Chipmunks, Christmas with Kathy Lee, Christmas with Aerosmith, Die Hard... Darling, how come everything on television these days is nothing but Christmas??

(Kathy enters, dressed VERY Christmasy, carrying a Santa hat.)

KATHY- Because it's Christmas time, my beloved evil dictator. (puts the hat on Dr.

Insidious) Ho ho ho!

DR. I- (takes off the hat) Bah, humbug!

KATHY- (giggles) Oh I just love when you do your impression of Ebenezer Scrooge.

Oh, question for you.

DR. I- Yes?

KATHY- I was pulling out all my decorations to deck the halls, and I came across

something rather peculiar. (she pulls out a very girly little doll) Do you know

what this is?

(Dr. Insidious snatches the doll.)

DR. I- Where did you find this?

KATHY- In the box with my Hallmark Peanuts ornaments. Is it yours?

DR. I- No! It's not mine, and I'll thank you to never touch it again.

KATHY- Okay, okay. Darling, you seem to be tense. Like you're not enjoying the

Christmas season.

DR. I- That's because I'm not, my dear. I hate Christmas. I loathe it with every evil bone

in my body.

KATHY- Why is that, dear?

DR. I- Never you mind why!

KATHY- Aww, what is it, shnooky-poo?

DR. I- Nothing. I'm fine.

KATHY- Is my hubby-wubby not feeling any Christmas cheer?

DR. I- Should I? I'm evil, darling. Evil always translates to naughty, which at Christmas

time means coal in the stocking.

KATHY- Aww, I bet some of my Frosty the Snowman cookies will make you feel all

better.

DR. I- Not likely?

KATHY- Are you sure? I made them extra frosted!

DR. I- Well... maybe.

KATHY- Coming right up.

(Kathy exits. Dr. Insidious holds the doll, looking at it. Knock on the door.)

DR. I- Who is it?

JACK- (off) Nobody out here but us interns!

DR. I- (hides the doll in the sofa) Come on in, gang.

(Jack, Lenny, Annette, and Kelly enter.)

ANNETTE- Yes, it was Dr. Insidious' interns from Terminus University: Jack, Lenny,

and Kelly. Brought into the business because interns are cheaper than henchmen, the three college students formed the heart and soul of Dr. Insidious' crime organization.

DR. I- Which probably explains why I never succeed in any of my plans to take over the

world!

JACK- Hey, Doc. Merry Christmas!

DR. I- Bah, humbug!

KELLY- Like, that was soooo cool!! I love Scrooge McDuck! Can you do the little elf

That, like, wants to be a dentist too?

DR. I- I'm not doing impressions, you twit!

LENNY- Oh, careful, Doc. Santa Claus might hear you. And you'll get a lump of coal in

your stocking.

DR. I- And you won't? Come on, boys. We're evil, remember? We're all on the naughty

list by default just because we chose this line of work.

LENNY- We are??? You never told me that when I interviewed for this position!

DR. I- I think it was kind of implied. It's the price we pay for pursuing our own particular

dreams and goals.

LENNY- I'm gettin' nothin' for Christmas. 'Cause I ain't been nothin' but bad.

KELLY- Aw, like, buck up, fellas. There's still stuff we can be cheerful about.

LENNY- Like what?

(Kathy enters with a plate of 3 cookies.)

KATHY- Christmas cookies!

JACK- Oh boy!!

(Jack, Lenny, and Kelly swarm Kathy and snatch all the cookies. They begin eating.)

JACK- Mmmm!

LENNY- These are so good!

KELLY- Like, totally!

DR. I- Hey, those were my cookies! Didn't you leave me any??

KATHY- I'm sorry, dear, that was all I had in that batch.

DR. I- Well of all the selfish, inconsiderate hateful things! I can't believe you people

come in my house and eat all my cookies!

KATHY- Shhh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I will make more.

DR. I- That's beside the point! It's the principle of the thing!

KATHY- Oh don't be ridiculous. I'll go and make another batch right now.

(Kathy exits.)

LENNY- Gee, Doc. We're sorry about the cookies.

DR. I- Oh don't mind me. It's not cookies that have me upset. It's... Never mind.

KELLY- Oh, I know what Dr. Insidious needs. A little Christmas cheer.

(Kelly hands Dr. Insidious a small Christmas present.)

KELLY- Merry Christmas.

DR. I- What is this? For me?

KELLY- Uh huh.

DR. I- Well, well. (opens the package, pulls out a tiny globe of the world) What is this?

KELLY- The one thing you want most in the whole world! It's... it's the whole world!

DR. I- It's a tiny replica.

KELLY- Well ya gotta start some where.

LENNY- Yeah. You know if we could, we'd give you the world for Christmas. But, uh,

on the tiny stipend we get paid a month, that's just not possible.

DR. I- Wouldn't that be something? To get the whole world for Christmas.

LENNY- Yeah, too bad you can't just ask Santa. Given we're all on the naughty list.

DR. I- Santa? Santa you say?

LENNY- Yeah.

DR. I- Wait a moment! (pulls out a small notepad, does some calculations) Yes... yes... it

could work!!!

JACK- All right!

LENNY- Woo hoo!

KELLY- Like, awesome! What will work?

DR. I- My plan. My latest and greatest plan! Jack, Lenny, Kelly, we're going to take over

the world! This time for sure!

JACK- How we gonna do that, Dr. I?

DR. I- Kids, we're going to steal Christmas!

LENNY- But didn't the Grinch already try that?

DR. I- Shut up!! That was completely different!!

LENNY- Gee, sorry.

KELLY- So, like, what's the plan?

DR. I- Right. First, we fly to the North Pole and abduct the fat man himself.

JACK- What fat man?

DR. I- Santa Claus, you nit wit!

LENNY- Kidnap Santa?? Are you sure that's a good idea?

DR. I- Trust me, Lenny. This is going to work. After we kidnap Santa, we bring him

here, and keep him locked away. We then notify the world leaders that we have Santa Claus, and will hold him hostage until supreme power is granted to me. Then, and this is the real kicker, you clowns will stay behind at the North Pole to answer Santa's mail.

KELLY- Like, what for, Dr. I?
DR. I- Millions of children write to Santa Claus every year, hoping to get toys and

goodies. But this year, every child will get a different letter in return. Take this down, Jack.

(Jack searches himself for a pen.)

DR. I- "Dear child, I don't know if you've been naughty or nice. And frankly, I don't care.

Santa Claus is no longer in business because, I, Dr. Insidious, have kidnapped him. And I will hold Santa, and ipso facto, hold Christmas for ransom until such time as the leaders of the world surrender absolute power and authority to me! Happy Holidays, Dr. Insidious."

ANNETTE- That's just sick, Doc.

DR. I- No one asked you! You're only the narrator this time. Read it back to me, Jack.

JACK- (finally getting a pen) Sorry, I just now found my pen. Can you run that by me

again, Dr. I?

DR. I- Idiot! Insufferable moron! We'll write it on the plane. Come on, gang. We have

ten days 'til Christmas and not a moment to lose. Oh darling?

(Kathy enters.)

KATHY- Yes, my dove?

DR. I- Clean the guest bedroom. We're having company for Christmas.

KATHY- Your parents are flying in from Transylvania??

DR. I- No, darling, I'm kidnapping Santa Claus and holding Christmas for ransom.

KATHY- Santa Claus? Oh my! This calls for my grandmother's super secret recipe for

chocolate chip cookies!

JACK- Chocolate chip cookies???

LENNY- Oh my golly, that sounds good.

KATHY- I'll make sure and make plenty for everyone then.

DR. I- You do that. Back in a flash, love.

(Kathy exits.)

DR. I- Grab your mittens and parkas, gang. We're off to the North Pole!

(Dr. Insidious and his interns exit.)

ANNETTE- So once again, the nefarious forces of Dr. Insidious went into action,

prepared to bring the entire world to its knees. Meanwhile, in a cavernous, underground hideout carved beneath the manor of billionaire Scott Brooder, the forces of good are assembled, watching and waiting for their next opportunity to save the world.

SCENE THREE

(Morbidman's lair. Everyman, Master of the Obvious, and Morbidman all hold mugs.)

MORBIDMAN- You fool! I told you to go and buy Egg Nog, not Boiled Custard! I hate

Boiled Custard!

ANNETTE- Oh who are we kidding? As usual, our heroes were completely

preoccupied with something trivial and unimportant.

EVERYMAN- You don't like Boiled Custard? Fine! You go to the grocery store next

time.

MORBIDMAN- I can't go in the grocery store at Christmas.

EVERYMAN- Why not?

MORBIDMAN- Because three years ago, I saw my Aunt Betty die in a grocery store.

EVERYMAN- Dr. Insidious?

MORBIDMAN- No. She accidentally locked herself in the ice cream freezer and froze to

death.

MASTER- That is stupid.

MORBIDMAN- Your sympathy is overwhelming.

EVERYMAN- Well, what do you say we dump the Boiled Custard and go get us a tree?

MORBIDMAN- Why?

MASTER- It's what you do at Christmas.

MORBIDMAN- Sure. Let's go out and cut down a tree in the prime of life, just like poor

Aunt Betty in the ice cream freezer. A perfect way to celebrate peace on Earth and

good will toward men.

(In an explosion of smoke and lightning, Scorn enters.)

SCORN- And what about the women?

MORBIDMAN- It's Scorn!!

ANNETTE- Yes, it was Scorn, the vigilante vixen, sworn enemy to both Dr. Insidious,

who accidentally blew her up, and Morbidman, who accidentally left her for dead.

MORBIDMAN- How did you get in here? How did you unravel the mystery of my secret

lair?

SCORN- Oh don't be so dramatic, Morbidman. I know because you told me back when

we were dating, when I was sweet Andrea Dove, and you were Scott Brooder, my chronically depressed but very wealthy boyfriend.

EVERYMAN- You told her where our secret lair was?

MORBIDMAN- Hey, it's a risk we heroes take when we also risk loving others.

EVERYMAN- Great! Just great! Now she can not only get in here, but she can reveal our

secret identities to the world!

SCORN- Oh, please, Everyman, if I wanted to expose you as a couple wannabes, I would

have brought a news reporter with me. Of course, such news would really not be much news at all, as everyone knows you're a couple flakes.

MORBIDMAN- Who says that?

SCORN- Besides, I have a much more fiendish purpose in mind for this visit. Something

so heartless, so cruel, that it will scar your lives forever.

MORBIDMAN- Scar away, Scorn. For you will only be adding scar upon scar. For my

life is nothing but one misery--

SCORN- Oh give it a rest, will ya? Really, sometimes I think the most cruel and evil

thing I could do to you would be to make you happy.

MASTER- You got that right.

MORBIDMAN- Who's side are you on?

SCORN- (takes Morbidman's mug) Boiled Custard? I see we're getting into the holiday

spirit. That's so sweet. But unfortunately, a waste of time.

MORBIDMAN- And why is that?

SCORN- Because... you deck the halls, trim the tree, and hang all the stockings you want.

But don't expect them to be filled Christmas morning.

EVERYMAN- And why not?

SCORN- Because, sweetheart, there is no Santa Claus to fill them.

MORBIDMAN- What?

SCORN- You heard me, my terminally tragic ex. There is no Santa Claus.

MORBIDMAN- Oh, please, Scorn. Of all the wicked schemes you have ever concocted,

this has got to be the worst. What next, you gonna try telling us that professional wrestling isn't real? I mean who would believe a story like that? Huh, guys?

EVERYMAN- She's lying, right Scott?

MORBIDMAN- What?

EVERYMAN- She's lying about Santa, right? He's real, isn't he? Tell me he's real!

MORBIDMAN- Now just calm down, Paul.

EVERYMAN- Calm nothing!! Tell me Santa Claus is real!!

SCORN- (laughs wickedly) Sorry, fella. There's no Santa, no Tooth Fairy, no Easter

Bunny, and no Scooby Doo either.

EVERYMAN- WHAT?!?!?

MASTER- This is very upsetting.

MORBIDMAN- Now look, Scorn, you can't just go around saying such things.

SCORN- Oh no? There's no crime in telling the truth. Come on, Paul, a fat man who flies

a sleigh pulled by reindeer? And delivering toys to all the kids of the world?

MASTER- Only the nice ones. The naughty get coal.

SCORN- They get squat. And so do the nice kids because there is no Santa!

EVERYMAN- NO!!!

(Everyman shrinks to the floor, curling up in a fetal position.)

MORBIDMAN- All right, Scorn, that's it. I may be cursed to live every single day as the

worst day of my life, but there's no reason my friends here have to suffer.

SCORN- Blah, blah, blah.

EVERYMAN- I'm in a happy place... I'm in a happy place...

MORBIDMAN- Paul! Get on your feet and conduct yourself like the hero you are.

MASTER- He is conducting himself like the hero he is.

MORBIDMAN- All right, Scorn. You want to play rough? Fine! We can do the same.

SCORN- Ha! Since when?

(Morbidman grabs Scorn's arm, ties her hands behind her back.)

SCORN- Hey, what's the big idea, Scott?

MORBIDMAN- I'll tell you the big idea. Ed, call the airport, have them fire up the

Morbid-Jet. We're headed to the North Pole.

MASTER- That is where Santa Claus lives!

EVERYMAN- Santa?

MORBIDMAN- That's right, Paul. I'm going to take you and little Mary Sunshine here to

the Pole and prove to you both once and for all if there's really a Santa Claus.

EVERYMAN- If? If there's a Santa?

MORBIDMAN- I didn't say if.

MASTER- Yes you did.

SCORN- Ha! You're not certain yourself, are you?

MORBIDMAN- After this Christmas, we'll all know the truth because we will have seen

it with our own eyes. Ed?

MASTER- Let's go.

MORBIDMAN- Paul?

EVERYMAN- There really is a Tooth Fairy, right? And an Easter Bunny? Hippity

hopping around and hiding eggs?

MORBIDMAN- Ed, help Paul to the Morbidmobile. Come on, Scorn.

(They all exit. Blackout.)