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Morbidman Begins
SCENE ONE
(Lights up on an alley in Terminus City.)
NARR- This is the city, a place of enterprise, commerce, and other big words that people
use to describe the pursuit of happiness. Terminus City means hope to many - hope of a bright future. But there are others dwelling in the shadows who simply want to ruin it for the rest of us!
(Lenny and Jack enter, carrying two bags each.)
JACK- Boy, what a mission, huh? Dr. Insidious showed a lot of trust sending us out on
this one!
LENNY- Why shouldn't be? We've been working for Dr. I a long time now.
JACK- How long is it exactly?
LENNY- Hmm... I think our two year anniversary is in two months!
JACK- Cool! But wasn't our internship for only a year?
LENNY- Yeah.
JACK- So why are we still working for Dr. I?
LENNY- Two words, pal: Mrs. Insidious' double thick chocolate fudge brownies!
JACK- Isn't that more than two words?
LENNY- Aren't those words more than enough reason to stay on with Dr. I as long as we can?
JACK- When you're right, you're right.
NARR- Yes, Jack and Lenny were the hands and feet of the evil organization run by Terminus
City's master criminal and super villain, Dr. Insidious, two interns from the local university who signed up to work for free and learn the ins and outs of being a modern supervillain!
LENNY- Come on, Jack! We've got a critical mission to finish!
(Morbidman, Everyman, and Master of the Obvious enter.)
EVERYMAN- Not so fast, foul fiends!
JACK- Lenny, look out! It's Morbidman and friends!
NARR- Yes, it was indeed Morbidman, leader of the super hero organization known as the
Triumvirate, ready to fight evil with his faithful pals!
MORBIDMAN- That's right, you evil dogs! We're here to--
EVERYMAN- Whoa, whoa, hold on just a moment.
MORBIDMAN- Everyman, we're in the middle of a battle!
EVERYMAN- What was all that about? Morbidman and his faithful pals? What are we, like
your little pets or something?
MORBIDMAN- Paul, this is no time for--
EVERYMAN- Put a cork in it, Scott! Look, we've been in what, three other full-length plays
together?
LENNY- Not to mention the Christmas play.
JACK- And a few other short plays and skits.
MORBIDMAN- Guys, please, let's not bring those up. People may not have seen those plays.
MASTER- That means they won't get any references to the other plays.
EVERYMAN- I don't care about the other plays! What I care about is Master of the Obvious
here and me, Everyman, getting our due credit for fighting crime. After all, we put in as much effort as Morbidman here.
MASTER- Even though we're not that good at it.
EVERYMAN- And I don't think it's too much to get a little respect from some faceless narrator!
NARR- Hey! I have a face!
EVERYMAN- Whatever, too-ugly-for-the-stage, just say my name!
JACK- Hey, are we gonna fight or what?
EVERYMAN- Just a moment! Mr. Narrator?
NARR- Fine. Yes, it was indeed Morbidman, Everyman, and Master of the Obvious--
MASTER- That would be me!
NARR- Ready to fight crime poorly as always.
EVERYMAN- Oh, a wise guys, huh?
LENNY- Hey, can we drop the equal rights act and just fight?
MORBIDMAN- One moment! I need to finish my monologue! So villains, are you ready to--
(Jack hits Morbidman.)
MORBIDMAN- Why you little--!
(Morbidman attacks Jack and Lenny with a vengeance. Everyman and Master of the Obvious watch as Morbidman tears the interns apart.)
MORBIDMAN- (as he fights) Never! Interrupt! My monologue! Ever! Ever! Again!!
(Jack and Lenny roll around on the ground in pain.)
EVERYMAN- Scott!! You... you...
MASTER- He just beat up the bad guys!
MORBIDMAN- I did? I mean, of course I did! I always do that.
EVERYMAN- What are you talking about?
MASTER- We always get beat up!
MORBIDMAN- No we don't!
EVERYMAN- Uh, yeah we do! Don't you remember who you are? You're Morbidman! Every
day you live is the worst day of your life.
MORBIDMAN- True, I have suffered a lot for justice.
EVERYMAN- So what happened?
(As Morbidman speaks, Everyman and Master look through Jack and Lenny's bags.)
MORBIDMAN- I don't know. I saved the day so... maybe this is a new beginning for me. I'm no
longer the tortured soul, but the righteous vigilante, who stops at nothing to save Terminus City from--
EVERYMAN- (pulls diapers out of a bag) Diapers?
MORBIDMAN- Diapers?
EVERYMAN- (emptying the bag) And formula. And baby clothes. And bottles. And... oh dear.
MORBIDMAN- What is it? A nuclear device, hidden below all these innocent baby items?
EVERYMAN- No. (pulls out bronzed baby shoes) A pair of bronzed, baby Reeboks.
MASTER- Those are called "Weeboks!"
JACK- Mrs. Insidious asked us to pick all that stuff up.
LENNY- Yeah. Those are baby Anakin's Weeboks. She was gonna stick them up over the mantle
next to Dr. I's baby shoes.
MORBIDMAN- I don't believe it! It must be a trick.
EVERYMAN- See for yourself, Scott.
(Morbidman looks in the bag. )
JACK- Heh! Guess you feel pretty stupid.
MORBIDMAN- No! It's not possible! Dr. Insidious sent out his notorious henchmen for baby
stuff?
JACK- We're not professional henchmen. We're interns.
LENNY- And hey, why wouldn't he send us? He trusts us!
MORBIDMAN- I don't believe it!
JACK- Why not? He may be evil, but he's a good dad.
LENNY- Yeah, what a role model.
JACK- Any more questions, Morbidman?
MORBIDMAN- Yeah. Where's the nearest hole I can crawl in?
(Morbidman sulks off.)
JACK- Gee, what's bothering him?
MASTER- Morbidman is depressed.
JACK- You're telling me.
MASTER- Yes, I am telling you.
JACK- Is he always that way?
EVERYMAN- Pretty much. It gets annoying sometimes, with him stating the obvious all the
time.
JACK- Not him, genius! Morbidman.
EVERYMAN- Oh yeah. Sad but true. As long as I have known him, he's been the most
miserable man on Earth.
LENNY- Poor fellow.
EVERYMAN- Don't even say that.
LENNY- Why not?
MASTER- Because it's his fault he's so miserable.
EVERYMAN- Ed tells the truth. Scott chose the whole morbid lifestyle, and he has no one to
blame but himself. Just like Dr. Insidious.
LENNY- Hey, don't give us that. We know the story of how Scott Brooder made Dr. Insidious
turn to evil!
EVERYMAN- Scott didn't make him do anything. True he played a role in his conversion but...
look, how long have you guys been in town?
JACK- Two years?
EVERYMAN- And you've worked for Dr. Insidious almost as long. It's time you knew the whole
story from someone who saw it all happen!
JACK- Yeah? Who would that be?
EVERYMAN- Me, you numbskulls!
JACK- You sure that's cool? I mean, we have a narrator. That's kinda his job.
EVERYMAN- Oh, right. Him. Well, if he thinks he can tell the story right!
NARR- Hey, this is my life, telling stories. It's why I was created.
LENNY- Will you tell is the origin stories of Morbidman and Dr. Insidious?
JACK- Please, please, oh please!!
NARR- All right, boys, come on out and have a seat.
(Jack and Lenny walk out into the audience and sit down. Everyman and Master of the Obvious turn to exit stage left.)
JACK- Hey, where are you guys going?
EVERYMAN- Us? We're in this story.
MASTER- We need to change costumes.
LENNY- Oh, okay. Have a great show.
EVERYMAN- You too!
(Everyman and Master exit.)
SCENE TWO
NARR- Our story within a story begins in Terminus City of the past. Much like the community
we now know and love, Terminus City was a place where people came to pursue their dreams.
(Andrea enters wearing a Mary Tyler Moore style coat and hat and tosses her hat in the air like MTM.)
ANDREA- At last, I have arrived in the big city of Terminus City! I come with a head full of
dreams, idealism, and a youthful exuberance untainted by the harsh realities of life!
NARR- But even in this pre-Morbidman city, evil lurked in the shadows in the form of a
supervillain!
(The Cat enters and attacks Andrea from behind.)
ANDREA- Goodness!
CAT- Give me your money, new girl!
ANDREA- Who are you?
CAT- I am THE CAT!!
NARR- Yes, the Cat was the most menacing, fearsome villain to stalk the streets in those days,
robbing indiscriminately from everyone and anyone in sight.
ANDREA- Please, I beg you, let me go! I am new in town and I only have--
CAT- Aww, that's so touching really. Just give me the cash or you'll be sorry!
ANDREA- How sorry?
(The Cat socks Andrea over the head and takes her purse, running off with a wicked laugh.)
ANDREA- Oww, my head!
(Ed enters.)
ANDREA- Who was that?
ED- That was the Cat. And she just mugged you.
(Ed exits.)
ANDREA- Well thanks for no help at all, jerk!
(Andrea gets up and exits. Blackout.)
SCENE THREE
NARR- Yes, no one at any time was safe from the evil of the Cat. But some how, the people of
Terminus City continued to go about their daily lives. Our story really begins with just such a man, a mild-mannered scholar who was busy making great advances in the fields of psychology and mathematics. He was arguably the most popular teacher on campus at Terminus City University. And his name was--
(Lights up at Terminus City University, Dr. Insidious's office. A chalkboard and chair are on stage, along with a small desk that has a telephone. Dr. Insidious enters.)
JACK- Hey, it's Dr. I!
LENNY- Hey, Dr. I! It's us!
NARR- He can't hear you, boys.
JACK- He can't? Why not?
LENNY- Oh no! Jack, Dr. Insidious has gone deaf!
NARR- He isn't deaf! This is all in flashback, remember?
JACK- Ohhh yeah!
NARR- And on this particular day, he had a very important visitor.
RECEPTIONIST- Dr. Insidious? Mr. Brooder is here to see you.
DR. I- Excellent! Send him in!
(Scott Brooder enters.)
SCOTT- So, Dr. Insidious, at least we meet!
DR. I- Mr. Brooder.
SCOTT- Please, call me Scott.
(Dr. Insidious and Scott begin shaking hands.)
JACK- Hey, I know that voice!
LENNY- Of course you do! It's Foolman, you morbid! I mean it's Morbidman, you fool!
NARR- Yes, this was the first meeting between the future arch-enemies: Morbidman and Dr.
Insidious, back when Dr. Insidious was still a respected educator, and Scott's morbid life was just a little crummy.
DR. I- Can we stop shaking hands now?
SCOTT- Of course.
DR. I- Please have a seat. It was very good of you to come, Mr. Brooder. I've been waiting a long
time for this moment.
SCOTT- Yes, I'm sorry for being late, but I had a family tragedy this morning. My... my pet
gerbil Wilson died.
DR. I- Really? I hope he didn't suffer.
SCOTT- His running wheel spun out of control and he was flung onto the heat register.
DR. I- I'm sure the fall broke his neck and killed him quickly.
SCOTT- He just kept squeaking and squeaking... he kept hanging on... For two hours.
DR. I- I see.
SCOTT- Then when he finally passed, I sent him off to the hereafter in accordance with his
wishes.
DR. I- Buried in the backyard?
SCOTT- Flushed out to sea.
DR. I- Ohhh.
SCOTT- Then I had to plunge the toilet when he got stuck. It's just been a bad day. It's always a
bad day.
DR. I- What do you mean?
SCOTT- Well, Doc, I can't put my finger on it. But it's like... every day of my life is worse than
the one before. So every day I live is the worst day of my life. Sounds pretty awful, huh?
DR. I- Sounds like you're a fun guy to hang around with.
SCOTT- I'm a bad guy to hang around with. My parents died right in front of me. My cat. My
faithful butler Patsey. The President of Pottsylvania.
DR. I- Where did you meet him? Diplomatic mission?
SCOTT- Double date. My date was the assassin.
DR. I- So I guess there was no second date?
SCOTT- Not in my world. I've tried a number of things, but nothing seems to help. I even started
reading a book someone recommended. (pulls out the book) The Purpose Driven Life.
DR. I- Really?
SCOTT- They say 40 days, and this book will change your life.
DR. I- How long have you been reading it?
SCOTT- Eight months.
DR. I- I see.
SCOTT- You would think a nice guy like me, born into money and privilege would be able to
manage a little happiness in this world, but so far...
DR. I- And once again, my theories prove correct. My equations told me you were the man to invest in my little research project. And now I see why.
SCOTT- And why is that?
DR. I- Because you will personally benefit from my findings in the field I like to call...
Psychohistory!
SCOTT- Wow! Cool name! Five syllables and everything.
DR. I- Scott, you made a short list of wealthy investors I considered bringing in on this project.
But as you can see, (points out equations on the board) the numbers say I should go with you, versus Bruce Wayne, Lionel Luther, and Quentin Travers.
SCOTT- They do?
DR. I- Oh yes. You see, psychohistory is a way of predicting the future, and in predicting what
may be, changing it. (writing nonsense equations on the board) Using advanced mathematical equations that only the truly bright, like me, can understand, I can break down exactly why your life has been so miserable to within ten hundredths of a point.
SCOTT- (pretending he understands) Ten hundredths? Are you serious?
DR. I- And as you see here, we come out with a negative number. Sound about right?
SCOTT- Does it ever!
DR. I- But let's introduce a new variable, say a ten million dollar investment in my research.
Carry the exponent, multiply the factors, and it looks like... Hmm.
SCOTT- Is it bad?
DR. I- Quite the contrary! With your investment, you can expect to start having better days
today!
SCOTT- Are you sure?
DR. I- Check my work for yourself.
SCOTT- Me? Uh, okay. (pretending he understands) Hmm... yes, yes, I like what you've done
here. I'm not so sure about... oh, I see.
DR. I- Well?
SCOTT- Dr. Insidious, I think you have a new investor.
DR. I- Oh thank you, Mr. Brooder. This is a total shock.
SCOTT- Really? I’d have thought you could have predicted my reaction with your psychohistory
work.
DR. I- Well, naturally, the numbers said you would be responsive, but I could not predict your
enthusiasm.
SCOTT- Which is why we must invest in furthering your research!
DR. I- Exactly!
SCOTT- Dr. Insidious, I have a prediction. This investment will change the course of our lives,
nay, the world, forever!
DR. I- To the future, Mr. Brooder!
SCOTT- To the future! I’ll be in touch!
DR. I- I know you will!
(Scott exits.)
DR. I- (evil laugh) Yep, the numbers don’t lie. Of all the wealthy philanthropists in the world,
Scott Brooder is the dumbest!
(Dr. Insidious exits. Blackout.)
NARR- Yes, the truth was Dr. Insidious had made up his entire theory and research as
nothing more than a get rich quick scheme.
LENNY- Hey, now that’s the Dr. I we know!
JACK- Evil to the core!
NARR- Oh he wasn’t evil yet. Just naughty.
JACK- We know that from the Christmas play!
LENNY- Yeah, Dr. I never got anything from Santa!
SCENE FOUR
NARR- Having been convinced of the theory of psycho history, Scott Brooder left the
University that day feeling better about himself – and his future – than ever before. He knew his life was about to change.
(Lights up. The alley. Scott enters.)
SCOTT- Look at these numbers! I can’t lose!
(The Cat enters.)
CAT- Give me your wallet, pencil neck!
SCOTT- Excuse me?
CAT- No, I don’t think I will!
(The Cat bashes Scott on the head.)
SCOTT- Ow!
CAT- Give me the wallet!
SCOTT- No! This is not happening! This is supposed to be a good day for me!
CAT- Says who?
SCOTT- Say the numbers on this--
(The Cat hits Scott and robs him.)
CAT- Looks like someone needs to go back to math class!
(The Cat laughs and exits. Ed enters.)
SCOTT- Owww! What is her problem?
ED- She doesn’t have a problem!
SCOTT- Yeah she does!
ED- No she does not. You had money. She wanted it. She took it. Problem solved!
(Ed exits.)
SCOTT- Thank you, Master of the Obvious!
(Scott exits. Lights out.)
LENNY- Boy, I am liking this Cat character.
JACK- Yeah. What a menace to society.
SCENE FIVE
NARR- Meanwhile, in a well-respected financial investment house, a young, mild-
mannered accountant sat at his desk, unaware that a series of clients with appointments that day would change his life forever!
(Lights up, the accounting office of Paul Schwartz. Paul sits at his desk, which has a laptop. His feet are on the desk, and he is reading Isaac Asimov’s Foundation. His phone buzzes.)
RECEPTIONIST- Mr. Schwartz?
PAUL- Yes?
RECEPTIONIST- Mr. Bailey is in a meeting and wanted to know if you could handle a few
clients for him.
PAUL- Me? Handle Mr. Bailey’s clients? Why I would be honored.
RECEPTIONIST- Fine. I’ll send Annette right in.
PAUL- Annette? Annette? THE Annette??
LENNY- You don’t suppose they mean our Annette, do you?
(Annette enters.)
NARR- Yes, it was indeed Annette, the former child actress whose loss of cuteness and
innocence had led to a precipitous downfall in her financial fortunes.
PAUL- And whose poster has hung proudly in my bedroom for ten years!
ANNETTE- Excuse me? Who are you talking to?
PAUL- Oh, sorry. (holds out his hand) Paul Schwartz. Uh, may I help you?
ANNETTE- I hope so, Paul.
PAUL- You—you know my name!
ANNETTE- Well, duh, you just said it.
PAUL- Oh, right.
ANNETTE- A month ago, I had to change all my account passwords because my lousy ex-
manager was embezzling from me.
PAUL- No! That is terrible!
ANNETTE- She’s been doing it for years, and I just now caught her. Can you believe it?
PAUL- Hardly.
ANNETTE- She can’t be bothered to go out and find more work for me, which would mean
more income for us both. She has to steal from the little I have left.
PAUL- I think that is so wrong.
ANNETTE- So tell me, did Mr. Bailey get my passwords changed?
PAUL- Let me look that up.
(Paul does some typing on the computer.)
PAUL- Oh boy.
ANNETTE- Oh boy? Is that a good oh boy or a ad oh boy?
PAUL- Well, uh, Annette, we show you as having a checking account, a savings account, and an
investment portfolio?
ANNETTE- Yes.
PAUL- All of which are currently running negative balances.
ANNETTE- They what?
PAUL- See for yourself.
(Annette looks at the computer.)
ANNETTE- I don’t believe it! She finally cleaned me out! That evil witch has run off with all
my money!
(Annette picks up the phone and dials.)
PAUL- What kind of low life would do that?
ANNETTE- Hola, Consuela? Let me speak to my mother! Who do you think this is? It’s
Annette!… Well why not? Oh, she said not to tell you, huh? Well listen here. Either you tell me where my mother is, or I am calling Immigration!… Oh, she gave you the same threat, huh? (sighs) Is there anything she won’t take from me?… No, that’s okay. I’m sorry for threatening you, Consuela… No, I won’t call them… You have a good day too. Gracias. (hangs up) I can’t believe she did this! She’s so evil!
PAUL- Hey, hey, don’t be mean. She is still your mother.
ANNETTE- And she’ll rue the day she ever gave birth to me if I get my hands on her!
PAUL- So do you still want to change your passwords?
ANNETTE- Doesn’t seem to be much point now. There’s nothing left to steal.
PAUL- There, there.
ANNETTE- (getting teary) My life is over. I’m gonna end up working at Kroger!
PAUL- I’d love to help.
ANNETTE- Can you pay off my debts for me?
PAUL- Well… no, I’m still paying school loans.
ANNETTE- Oh.
PAUL- But if you’re not doing anything tonight, I could buy you dinner.
ANNETTE- Dinner? Me?
PAUL- Sure. What do you say?
ANNETTE- Great. It’s not bad enough I’m poor. I’ve sunk so low, I’m getting pity date offers
from miserable little accountants!
(Annette runs out.)
PAUL- Hey! It’s not a pity date! Really, Annette, you’re very important to me! I like you! I want
to have dinner with you!
(Scott enters.)
SCOTT- Wow, sounds like the speech I usually get.
PAUL- What are you doing in here?
SCOTT- Mr. Bailey’s receptionist sent me here. She said you were taking care of Mr. Bailey’s
most important clients.
PAUL- Geez, I thought he had a higher class of clientele.
SCOTT- The name is Scott Brooder. I’m sure you’ve heard of me.
PAUL- I’m Paul Schwartz. And no.
SCOTT- Hahaha, Mr. Bailey needs to teach his employees manners. It’s not nice to tease the star
client.
PAUL- I’m not joking. I’ve never heard of you.
SCOTT- Ahem, yes, well, let’s get right to business then.
PAUL- Fine.
(They both sit down.)
SCOTT- Paul, I want to make an investment in a research project at the university.
PAUL- How generous.
SCOTT- Yes, I know. But I need to make sure funds are made available to my checking account.
PAUL- Of course. (starts typing) Your last name again?
SCOTT- (frustrated sigh) Brooder.
PAUL- Is that with a U?
SCOTT- Two O’s, Paul.
PAUL- Right. And how much do you need?
SCOTT- Hmm, I hadn’t thought about that. How much have I got?
PAUL- Let me see. Well, I show that your portfolio has been on a steady decline for the last 64
consecutive quarters.
SCOTT- Still?
PAUL- Yes, sir.
SCOTT- Gosh, I thought sure some of those last few trades would have paid off.
PAUL- Well, I wouldn’t be too concerned. It looks as it you have more than 400 billion dollars
still in your accounts.
SCOTT- All right!
PAUL- Yeah, you’d have to be a real special kind of idiot to lose all that.
SCOTT- Mom always said I was a special kind of guy.
(The two exchange a silent look, then go on.)
PAUL- So, how much do you need?
SCOTT- Ya know, if this research pans out, I’m gonna be a better man for it. Let’s go nuts,
make it one hundred million.
PAUL- A HUNDRED??
SCOTT- Million, a hundred million.
PAUL- Okay, Mr. Brooder. Your call.
SCOTT- Yes, it is my call. This is history. No, it’s PSYCHOHISTORY!!
PAUL- Excuse me?
SCOTT- Oh, I’m sorry. Psychohistory is the scholarly term for this research.
PAUL- Really?
SCOTT- Yes. Doesn’t the name strike you will all kinds of awe and wonder?
PAUL- Actually, no.
SCOTT- I’m sorry. I guess it’s significance is lost on the layman.
PAUL- Mr. Brooder, Scott, as your financial advisor for the day, I’d like to make you a
recommendation.
SCOTT- You? Are going to advise me?
PAUL- Yes, sir. I just want to recommend you do… (hands the Foundation book to Scott) a little
research of your own.
SCOTT- Research is kind of the whole point of writing the check, duh.
PAUL- I really think you would benefit from reading that book.
SCOTT- Does it have pictures?
PAUL- No.
SCOTT- Is there a movie?
PAUL- Not yet. But you must trust me, this will change your whole perspective on
psychohistory.
(Scott and Paul exit as Paul escorts him out of the office. Lights out.)
LENNY- Wow, the first ever meeting of Morbidman and Everyman.
JACK- Yeah. But what was with that book Everyman gave him?
LENNY- Looks like foreshadowing to me!
JACK- I don’t know, if Morbidman can’t read, it won’t really matter.
LENNY- Good point. He’s not exactly the smart one of that group.
NARR- With his new-found research in hand, Scott Brooder left his accountant’s office
headed for home... where the research sat for almost a week. The day of Dr. Insidious's big press conference, Scott found the book and finally decided he should do his recommended reading. So he headed out to one of his favorite restaurants for breakfast and research.