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Morbidman Returns
SCENE ONE
NARR- Our story today begins in a dark alley, where three ominous figures are up to
their usual business of scum and villainy.
(Dr. Insidious enters, sipping a Snapple.)
DR. I- Come on, you sorry excuses for scummy villains! We don’t have all day.
NARR- Yes, it was that foul fiend, the lord of larceny, king of crime, the sultan of
sleaze…
DR. I- Please, you’re making me blush.
NARR- The doctor of danger, Dr. Insidious.
DR. I- Hurry it along, boys. Remember, “History is made at night. Character is who you
are in the dark.”
(Jack and Lenny enter, carrying a huge cardboard box which weighs a “ton.”)
JACK- Doc, this is so heavy.
LENNY- Yeah. It’s like it gained weight since we first stole it half an hour ago.
JACK- Stupid, air conditioners don’t put on weight.
LENNY- Well this one did!
DR. I- Must you jabber while you work?
LENNY- It wouldn’t be so bad if we had more help.
JACK- Yeah, Dr. I, could you give us some help?
DR. I- Of course not. That’s a two person job, and besides, I’m carrying enough weight
considering I alone bear the burden of leadership.
LENNY- I never thought about it that way.
DR. I- Yes, well, that’s why I am the evil doctor and you are the interns.
NARR- Yes, Dr. Insidious did not employ henchmen like traditional super villains. Since
the Henchmen’s Union formed, employing such specialists had become cost prohibitive. So Dr. Insidious chose to take on students from the local university, partly to educate them in the business of evil, but mostly to exploit them as cheap labor.
DR. I- Tell you what boys, set it down.
(Jack and Lenny set the box down.)
DR. I- Yes, this looks like a good spot for phase two.
JACK- Here in the dark alley?
DR. I- Of course. It’s the perfect place for a super hero to come looking for a super
villain.
LENNY- Then let’s get out of here.
DR. I- Lenny, stand your ground. This is part of the plan, remember?
LENNY- Oh yeah. I forgot.
DR. I- Right. You boys remember your lines?
JACK- I think so.
LENNY- Rehearsed them all last night.
DR. I- Excellent. I’ll leave you boys to do your tasks. I’m going to go hide a short ways
down the alley.
JACK- Hey, boss, what happens if something goes wrong? I mean as fool-proof as this
plan is, there is a chance that our arch-enemies, Morbidman, Everyman and Master of the Obvious, could get the upper hand and beat us both to a bloody pulp.
(They all break up laughing.)
JACK- Man, I really thought I could say that and not laugh.
DR. I- Let’s face it, those clowns couldn’t fight their way out of a wet paper bag. You’ll
be coming home without a scratch… unless of you break your knuckles open beating them mercilessly.
(They all laugh again.)
LENNY- Hark! I hear something.
DR. I- Hark? Hark? Did you say hark??? What century are you in?
JACK- I hear it too. I think it’s them!
DR. I- Right. You boys know what to do. If something does go wrong, however unlikely,
it was great working with you.
(Dr. Insidious runs off.)
LENNY- Why did he say that?
JACK- I dunno. Come on, Lenny. Let’s get into character.
LENNY- Okay.
JACK- Ahem. (putting on an act) Gee, this air conditioner is sure heavy.
LENNY- (also acting) Yes it is.
JACK- Why did the boss ask us to steal this air conditioner again?
LENNY- Because the boss wants to demonstrate his powers of evil, by depriving some of
the good citizens of Terminus City of air conditioning during the hot winter. I mean, summer.
JACK- How evil of us! Wow, it’s a good thing there are no heroes here to stop us.
LENNY- Yes indeed. But who would dare to interfere with our plans?
(Scorn enters, with a thunder clap.)
SCORN- Going somewhere, boys??
(Lenny leaps into Jack’s arms.)
LENNY- It’s… It’s… It’s…
JACK- SCORN!!!
NARR- That’s right Scorn, the female vigilante of Terminus City, sworn enemy of both
Morbidman and Dr. Insidious.
JACK- Yeah, why are you an enemy to us and the good guys as well?
SCORN- Because men are pigs! And you two little piggies are about to meet your doom!
LENNY- Boss! Heeeeeelp!!!!
SCORN- Ha ha! So the Doctor is nearby, is he? Oh, Doctor!!!
JACK- Horrors! Who will save us from the wrath of Scorn?
(The Supreme Diva enters.)
DIVA- Did someone cry for help?
JACK- That’s not Morbidman either!
LENNY- It’s the Supreme Diva!
NARR- Yes, the real hero of Terminus City – meaning she’s the only one with genuine
super powers – the Supreme Diva was an all American high school student until some men in a UFO granted her colossal super powers which she uses to fight for truth, justice, and the American way.
SCORN- Oh, Diva, thank goodness you’re here.
DIVA- Save it, Scorn. I know you’re up to no good!
JACK- Yeah, you tell her!
SCORN- No, you don’t understand. I’m making a citizen’s arrest. These horrid men were
stealing an air conditioner!
DIVA- Oh, please, you expect me to believe that?
LENNY- Uhm, actually, yeah. That was the game.
JACK- Yep. Look for yourself.
DIVA- That doesn’t strike me as being the fiendish type of plot I’m used to seeing from
you two and your mentor.
JACK- Yeah, well, the boss has kinda been zapped for ideas lately.
DIVA- (threatening them with her terrible powers) Are you certain you’re telling me
everything???
LENNY- Yes!! We promise!!
JACK- That’s all we know, honest!
(Scorn takes the opportunity to scamper off.)
LENNY- Don’t burn us with your heat ray eyes!
JACK- Or your arctic blast breath!
LENNY- Please believe us!
DIVA- All right, boys. You say you’re telling all you know? I believe you.
JACK- Phew!
DIVA- But I’m afraid the air conditioner’s going back with me.
JACK- Absolutely.
LENNY- Whatever you say.
JACK- We wouldn’t have it any other way.
LENNY- The return address is on the box.
JACK- Just don’t hurt us!
DIVA- Aww, poor little boys, afraid of a little girl?
(Jack and Lenny look at each other.)
JACK- Yes.
LENNY- Terribly.
JACK- You scare us.
LENNY- I’ve had nightmares!
DIVA- Get lost, fellas!
(Jack and Lenny run off. The Diva opens the box.)
NARR- With the interns gone, the Diva investigates the package, only to make a
shocking discovery.
DIVA- Oh my! What’s this?? Zapped for ideas indeed. This has all the makings of a truly
fiendish caper. I must report this to the mayor. And as for this contraption—
(Morbidman and Everyman enter.)
MORBIDMAN- Never fear. Morbidman is here.
NARR- Yes, finally emerging onto the scene, the hero you all came to see. Morbidman,
the darkest, most morose and tortured hero ever to emerge from the mind of a writer. The hero is the alter ego of billionaire Scott Brooder, an aptly named pessimist for whom every day he lives is the worst day of his life.
MORBIDMAN- Well, Diva, I see that—
EVERYMAN- Hey, Scott. You mind? The Narrator hasn’t done me yet.
MORBIDMAN- Oh brother.
NARR- With him as always is Everyman. By day he is mild mannered Paul Schwartz of
accounting form of Mowery, Marshall, and McClish. By night, he is the defender of the common man, a masked man in a three pieced suit named Everyman!
MORBIDMAN- Happy, Paul?
EVERYMAN- Yes, thank you.
MORBIDMAN- Back to business.
DIVA- You’re a little late, boys. I sent the interns packing and captured their contraband.
And you won’t believe what I found.
EVERYMAN- Is that so?
DIVA- This is no ordinary air conditioner. This is the beginnings of a terrible plot!
MORBIDMAN- Well let’s just have a look at it.
(Morbidman and Everyman look in the box.)
MORBIDMAN- Uh huh… uh huh… uh huh… uh huh…
EVERYMAN- What do you think, Scott?
MORBIDMAN- Yes, this is it. This is what we came for.
DIVA- We have to call the government right now.
MORBIDMAN- Oh, that won’t be necessary. I think we can handle this.
DIVA- You? Forgive me, but is this the same hero who last year spent three hours on top
of a twenty foot ladder in a pet store because there was a garter snake loose.
MORBIDMAN- The only thing loose around here is your lip, Diva.
DIVA- Whatever. Let’s get this thing turned over to the authorities.
EVERYMAN- Now, Scott?
MORBIDMAN- Now.
EVERYMAN- (shrugs) Here goes nothing.
(Everyman gives the Diva the Vulcan neck pinch.)
DIVA- Hey, what do you think you’re—(faints)
EVERYMAN- Hokey smokes, it worked!
MORBIDMAN- Just as he told us it would! Good work, Paul. You carry her out of here.
I’ll get the package.
(Everyman carries the Diva out.)
MORBIDMAN- And so begins Morbidman and Everyman’s noble quest to take over the
world!!
(Morbidman tries lifting the box. He tries multiple angles, but it’s just no use. It’s too heavy. Milk this for plenty of laughs. Everyman wanders back on.)
MORBIDMAN- Well don’t just stand there. Give me a hand.
(Everyman claps in a slow, sarcastic manner.)
MORBIDMAN- Oh ha ha ha. Go get the Morbidvan and bring it around. Might as well
make this easy on ourselves.
(Blackout.)
NARR- Yes, impossible as it may seem, the semi-great crime fighters turned on their
colleague the Supreme Diva – whom they never really liked anyway – and thus began the unthinkable: a career in crime.
SCENE TWO
NARR- Meanwhile, in a lovely little house in the suburbs of Terminus City, the forces of
darkness and evil regrouped at the home of Dr. Insidious and his beloved and
darling wife Kathy. Having bolted the alley at the first chance, they have no idea what evil happenings happened in the alley after their departure.
(Lights up on the happy, quaint, and cozy home of Dr. Insidious. Dr. Insidious, Lenny, and Jack enter.)
DR. I- Good work, boys. Phase one completed successfully.
JACK- Yeah, but we almost didn’t make it.
LENNY- That was the Diva, Dr. I!!!
DR. I- And she didn’t harm you, did she?
JACK- No, but we lost the air conditioner.
DR. I- And that was all part of the plan. Remember?
LENNY- Oh yeah.
DR. I- Really, Lenny, if you can’t remember all this stuff, start taking notes.
JACK- So I don’t get it. We stole an air conditioner, and then let the good guys take it
back? What’s the strategy?
DR. I- I suppose it’s time to let you all in on the next phase. Oh you’re going to love this.
Here, everyone sit.
(Kelly bounces in from the kitchen.)
KELLY- Like, oh my goodness, can I hear too?
DR. I- (less than thrilled) Hello, Kelly.
NARR- Yes, it was Dr. Insidious’ newest intern, Kelly, a member of the Tri-Psi
Sorority and a former national cheerleader of the year in Rhode Island. Dr. Insidious had not wanted to take on another intern; however, equal opportunity rules at the college forced the evil genius to accept the cute young thing into the fold.
KELLY- I mean seeing how I am, like, your intern and all, I think that like I should get
to hear this stuff. Or how else can I learn?
DR. I- Don’t you have filing to do?
KELLY- Finished this morning.
DR. I- And my collection of poisons and dangerous chemicals?
KELLY- Sorted and alphabetized.
DR. I- And my pet mutated badgers?
KELLY- Cleaned, fed, and fumigated.
DR. I- All right. Sit down, and don’t say anything.
KELLY- Oh boy!
(Kelly sits.)
DR. I- Okay, gang. What have we accomplished so far?
JACK- We stole an air conditioner from the Terminus City Mime School.
LENNY- The Supreme Diva showed up and took it back.
DR. I- And we can assume that the Diva is seeing it safely returned to its place, right?
JACK- Makes sense. So what’s the catch?
DR. I- You’ll recall when we removed the air conditioner it weighed less than when we
lost it? It’s because while we were in transit in the van, I slipped a little modification into the unit. A small nuclear device.
LENNY- See? I knew it gained weight!
JACK- You put a nuke in the air conditioner?
DR. I- Yes indeed.
LENNY- Where did you get a nuke?
DR. I- Where else, bonehead? I found it on eBay.
JACK- So we just tricked the Diva into placing a nuke at the mime school? What for?
KELLY- Ooh! Ooh! I know! Can I guess?
DR. I- Okay, Kelly.
KELLY- Mm-kay, so like, you’re gonna contact the mayor or something and like tell
him you have nuclear weapons, and when he says, “Like, I totally don’t believe you,” you’ll be all, “Okay, totally believe this.” And blow up the mime school. Then you’ll be all, “I want ransom money,” and he’ll be all, “Okay, dude, we’ll give it,” cause they know we’re serious.
DR. I- Uhh… Actually, I was just gonna blow up some mimes for kicks, but I like that. I
like that a lot.
KELLY- Cool.
DR. I- Yes, that is what we will do. We’ll make some threats, blow up the school, then
demand a hefty ransom.
JACK- What if they don’t pay? Do we have any more nukes?
DR. I- Well, no… but once we blow up the first, they’re bound to believe we’re serious.
We’ll call Annette and we’ll broadcast our threat live. Wait, even better. We’ll broadcast our threat, and blow up the mime school while we’re on the air!
LENNY- Can I push the button?
DR. I- You’re the camera man.
LENNY- Oh please, Dr. I? It’s been my life long dream.
DR. I- Well… I’ll think about it.
JACK- There’s something else that’s troubling me. Do you really think anyone’s going to
be upset if you blow up a mime school?
DR. I- Of course they will.
JACK- But why?
DR. I- Because everyone knows… (dead serious) A mime is a terrible thing to waste.
(Wait for boos from audience.)
DR. I- (to audience) Oh stop it!! (to his interns) Now listen carefully, all of you, this plan
requires absolute secrecy. Not a word of this can be spoken, uttered, muttered, whispered, or even breathed to anyone?
LENNY- (raises his hand) Is shouting not allowed either?
DR. I- Of course not you nit wit!
(Jack raises his hand.)
DR. I- Yelling is forbidden too, Jack.
(Jack drops his hand.)
DR. I- No one knows we have the bomb. And more importantly, no one knows it’s the
only one we have, so if we must detonate it, no one will think we are bluffing when we make a threat with the second. So, I cannot emphasize to you enough, this must remain a secret from everyone. No moms, no girlfriends, no internet chat buddies.
KELLY- Like, not even Mrs. Insidious?
DR. I- Not even my beloved wife.
(Kathy enters with a plate of chocolate chip and Oreo cookie crumb cookies.)
KATHY- Someone mention me?
NARR- At that moment, the joy of Dr. Insidious’ life entered the room, his beloved wife
of nearly 10 years and the former Acorn Squash Queen of Floyd County, Indiana, Kathy Insidious.
DR. I- How are you, my delectable darling?
KATHY- Oh, just peachy, my handsome soon-to-be tyrannical leader of the world.
INTERNS- Hello, Mrs. Insidious.
KATHY- Hello, boys and girls. And hello to you out there in the audience!
(Wait for answer to her “hello.” If there is no answer, Dr. Insidious can demand the audience say hello.)
KATHY- I knew they were out there.
LENNY- Mrs. Insidious, am I mistaken, or is that a tray of delicious and yummy
cookies?
KATHY- Oh, Lenny, no wonder you’re in the upper 50 percentile of the lower 50
percentile of your class at the University. These are indeed a special recipe: chocolate chip and Oreo cookie crumb cookies.
(She sets the cookies on the table. The interns dig in.)
DR. I- Why dearest, if I’m not mistaken, these chocolate chip and Oreo cookie crumb
cookies are the same cookies you first made all those years ago on the night before we wed.
KATHY- I know they are, pookie. I know they are.
DR. I- And you made them, for me? And my interns?
KATHY- Just for you.
DR. I- Oh, Kathy, darling, you are the greatest!
KATHY- No you are.
DR. I- No you are.
KATHY- No YOU are.
KELLY- They’re so adorable.
KATHY- Would my pookie like to go for a walk?
DR. I- Okay. Just let me take care of a few things here.
KATHY- Okay, snookum-wookums.
(Kathy exits.)
DR. I- Lenny, get on the horn and reserve us the TV studio. Then call Annette and get
here there tomorrow. Jack, start working on a script, incorporating all Kelly’s ideas. Kelly?
KELLY- Yes?
DR. I- You make sure we have plenty of coffee and donuts tomorrow. I’m off for a walk.
Ciao.
(Dr. Insidious exits.)
KELLY- Coffee and donuts? Coffee and donuts? That’s all I get to do?
LENNY- Hey, that’s an important job.
JACK- Yeah, it’s how we both started.
KELLY- But I don’t want to be the food girl. He liked my ideas for the plan Why can’t
he let me work on the script? Or some other more important job?
LENNY- Your time will come, Kelly.
JACK- Yeah, just be faithful in the little things, and you’ll get the bigger jobs later.
(Lenny and Jack exit.)
KELLY- But I want those bigger jobs now. I want to call the shots. I want to totally
rule the world!! Instead, I’m the donut girl. Okay, gag me already!!!
(Blackout.)
NARR- Yes, Kelly was finding it hard adjusting to her place as a lowly intern in the
Insidious organization. But she had yet to realize that with most jobs in this life, she would have to start at the bottom and prove herself before being afforded the opportunity to move up.