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Lash Morgan's Last Stand
by John Cosper
SCENE ONE
(The Balladier sits out on the stage in a chair at down stage right with a large book. He/She opens the book and begins to speak.)
BALLAD- Once upon a time, when America was still young, the old west was an
untamed territory. There were no Las Vegas casinos, no Los Angeles Lakers, and the only 49ers in San Francisco were bearded men digging for gold. The old west was an empty, lawless land, filled with bandits, train robbers, outlaws, and desperados. In those dark times, it took bold, brave lawmen to tame the west. And of all the bold and brave lawmen, the boldest and bravest of them all was Lash Morgan!
(Play theme from “How the West Was Won” or “The Magnificent Seven.” Lash Morgan enters, looking dashing and cavalier.)
BALLAD- Lash Morgan was the finest lawman in the west, the son of a sheriff, the
grandson of an army general, and great grandson of one of George Washington’s senior officers. The citizens of the tiny town of Mervyn’s Bluff slept well knowing that U.S. Marshall Lash Morgan was patrolling the streets. His exploits were sung far and wide: how he single-handedly brought down the Stillwell bank robbing gang; gunned down One-Eyed Jack in a daring prison break; and shot Pierre LaRue, the fastest quick draw in all of Europe.
(Doc Martin and Sugar Plum enter. Doc Martin smiles like a second banana. Sugar Plum drapes herself on Lash’s arm.)
BALLAD- With Miss Sugar Plum by his side, the most beautiful woman west of the
Atlantic Ocean, Marshall Lash Morgan and his zany sidekick Doc Martin ruled the town and surrounding prairie of Mervyn’s Bluff. No villain ever dared set foot in that happy place…
DOC- (hick accent) If they did, ol’ Lash here would shoot their foot off!
SUGAR- Oh, Lash, you’re so courageous.
(The Fan enters, runs up to Lash and asks for an autograph. Lash signs it.)
BALLAD- But Lash Morgan’s fans came to town. From miles around, hundreds of
people poured into Mervyn’s Bluff bringing autograph books and valuable tourism dollars in their quest to meet the world’s great lawman.
LASH- There you are, good citizen. Stay on the right side of the law…
DOC- ‘Cause if ya don’t Lash’ll plug ya!
(The Fan starts to walk off stage.)
SUGAR- My hero.
FAN- Wow, Lash Morgan is the greatest law man in the west!
(The Fan exits.)
BALLAD- At least, that’s what Lash would like you to believe…
SUGAR- He’s gone.
(Sugar immediately takes her hands off Lash and steps away. Doc’s goofy admiring smile vanishes as he folds his arms in disgust.)
DOC- (Orson Welles-ian voice) Thank goodness. I can’t take much more of these fans of
yours, Lash.
LASH- What do you mean? They’re very nice folks bringing in valuable spending money
to our little town.
DOC- I hold eight doctoral degrees from six universities in three different countries. I
came to this town to establish a good medical practice, and instead, I’m playing second banana to a wannabe lawman.
LASH- Wannabe? Look at the tin star! I am a lawman!
DOC- Your father was a law man. Your grandfather was a commanding general in the
Army. Your great-grandfather served under George Washington. You? You can’t even shoot a gun!
LASH- I can too!
SUGAR- Oh, please! The only time you’ve ever even held a gun is when you’re posing
for photographs.
LASH- And I look quite dashing, don’t I?
(Sugar Plum groans and starts to walk away.)
LASH- Hey, wait, Sugar Plum! Where are you going?
SUGAR- Home!
LASH- But I have a lovely picnic lunch planned for us.
SUGAR- Not with me! We’re not a couple, Lash! It’s all a fairy story in a book.
BALLAD- Yes, Lash Morgan was a great hero… but only within the pages of his own
series of novels, written by his Indian friend, Runs With Scissors.
(Runs With Scissors enters carrying a typed manuscript.)
SCISSORS- Lash, submitted for your approval: “Lash Morgan and the Secret of the
Spanish Gold.”
DOC- Oh look, another Lash Morgan story. Let me guess: when a gang of thieves roll
into town with a stolen treasure map, Lash shoots the bad guys, saves the girl and his zany pal the Doctor, and discovers the lost Spanish gold.
SCISSORS- When you’ve got a good formula, why knock it?
DOC- (sighs a heady sigh) Whatever, noble friend. I’m going to the soda fountain for a
root beer float.
LASH- Sounds good, Doc. I’ll go with you.
SCISSORS- Yes, let us go to the soda saloon. I can show you the new Lash Morgan T-
shirts and action figures.
DOC- Oh goody.
(Lash, Doc, and Runs With Scissors walk to the Soda Saloon bar, stage left.)
SCENE TWO
BALLAD- As Lash and Doc examined all the latest Lash Morgan merchandise, a
menacing presence lurked outside the tiny town of Mervyn’s Bluff: the nastiest desperadoes ever to tiptoe the blazing desert sand: Mad Max Maxwell and his sidekick Igor Jones!
(Max and Igor tiptoe on stage yelling “Ow!! Ooo!! Ow!!” as they tiptoe across the hot sand.)
IGOR- (Peter Lorre accent) Master, why are we tiptoeing across the blazing desert sand?
MAX- Because it’s blazing hot, that’s why!
IGOR- Master, look! I think it’s Mervyn’s Bluff!
MAX- Let me check. (pulls out the book “Lash Morgan Saves Mervyn’s Bluff… Again!”)
Yup, that’s the place!
IGOR- Excellent! Let’s go in and gun him down now!
MAX- No, you idiot! That ain’t how it’s done! First we send him a message.
IGOR- A message?
MAX- Yeah, a message. (pulls a note out of the book) Igor, you go on ahead and give
this message to Lash Morgan.
IGOR- Why me?
MAX- Because that’s your job. I’m the tough bad guy who kills good guys. You’re the
little toady who does what I say.
IGOR- Okay, Master. (starts to leave, stops) Oh, Master?
MAX- Yeah?
IGOR- Can I sing the message to him?
MAX- Sing?
IGOR- Yes. Before I went into the bad guy business, I always dreamed of being a singing
telegram.
MAX- Well… okay. Just this once.
IGOR- Thank you, Master!
(Max off. Igor wanders around the stage, searching for Lash Morgan. He eventually exits up stage left.)
SCENE THREE
(Lady Femme and Honey Pie enter behind the bar, handing sodas to Doc, Runs With Scissors, and Lash.)
BALLAD- So Mad Max’s sidekick Igor set out in search of the daring lawman, Lash
Morgan.
FEMME- Here’s a chocolate shake for Runs With Scissors, a root beer float for Doc
Martin…
HONEY- And a Lash Morgan Hero’s Special Ice Cream Soda for you.
LASH- Thanks, Honey Pie.
HONEY- (dripping with affection) You’re welcome, Lash.
LASH- Mmmm, it’s perfect.
HONEY- So are you, Lash.
DOC- (mutters) Oh brother, here we go again.
HONEY- You know, I’ve read all your books. Your really are the greatest!
FEMME- Stop it, Honey. You’ll give him a big head.
HONEY- But he is the greatest! He’s honest and true. How many other lawmen in the
west have a birthmark in the shape of Abraham Lincoln on their back?
DOC- He has a tattoo of Abraham Lincoln, not a birthmark.
HONEY- But I do gotta wonder, Lash, how come you never rescue me in any of your
stories? Instead, you’re always saving Sugar Plum.
LASH- Because Lash Morgan is a one woman man, and Sugar Plum is my best girl.
FEMME- Sugar Plum hates your guts. She’s rather sit on a cactus than go on a date with
you.
HONEY- But I love you, Lash! I’d do anything for you! Why, I even once though I’d let
a roving gang of train robbers kidnap me, just so you could come save me.
DOC- A lot of good that would do. Lash can’t save a kitten from a tree, much less a save
you from a gang of train robbers.
(Igor enters down stage right.)
LASH- Quiet you.
IGOR- Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I have a singing telegram for US Marshall Lash
Morgan.
LASH- I’m Lash Morgan. What’s the message, good citizen?
IGOR- (sings and dances to the tune “Camptown Races”)
Mad Max coming into town, doo dah, doo dah,
Mad Max gun Lash Morgan down, all the doo dah day.
Gun him down all night, gun him down all day,
Mad Max gun Lash Morgan down, high noon Saturday.
(reads without singing) Love and affection, Mad Max Maxwell.
(Igor hands the note to Lash.)
IGOR- Bye.
(Igor runs off stage right.)
LASH- What’s this? Mad Max Maxwell?
FEMME- Scourge of the Dakotas?
SCISSORS- The Butcher of El Paso?
HONEY- The Inside Trader of Wall Street?
LASH- Coming here to shoot me?
DOC- Suddenly, this is becoming a very good day.
LASH- You guys, you gotta help me!
DOC- Why should we help you? You’re Lash Morgan, the west’s greatest lawman. Don’t
you know how to use a gun?
LASH- The only time I’ve ever picked up a gun is to pose for photographs. Run With
Scissors, what are we gonna do?
SCISSORS- I can see it now: “Lash Morgan’s Last Stand.” The end of the west’s greatest
saga.
LASH- I’m doomed.
(Sugar Plum enters.)
SUGAR- What’s going on?
HONEY- Mad Max Maxwell is coming to town to shoot Lash!
SUGAR- Oh that’s wonderful! Drinks are on me, everyone!
SCISSORS- Hooray!
(Lash runs out of the saloon, stage left.)
HONEY- How could you? You can’t leave Lash to die at the hands of Mad Max!
DOC- Sure we can.
HONEY- But Lash is your friend!
SUGAR- You’ve been reading too many trash novels, Honey.
SCISSORS- What do you mean, trash novels?
(The group slowly files out as the Balladier continues.)