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Christmas Carol

by John Cosper

            Henderson, a butler, enters.

HENDERSON- Merry Christmas, children! And how are all of you? Is everyone here ready for Christmas? I bet you are! We're certainly ready at my house. Not that I have a family of my own. You see I'm the butler to a very special girl who... well, before I tell you about her, let me ask a question. What do you want for Christmas? (get responses from the kids) Wow, those are all great gifts. But let me ask you this... if you had ALL those things, if you had EVERY toy and plaything in the world, what would you ask for? This is a story about a girl who had to answer just such a question. It's the story of a little girl named Carol.

CAROL- (off stage) Is that my cue?

HENDERSON- Yes it is, Miss.

            Carol enters.

CAROL- Hi, everybody! My name's Carol and I'm in a play! This is MY play!

HENDERSON- Miss Carol, can we go on with the story?

CAROL- FINE, Henderson. I was just trying to make friends.

HENDERSON- Carol's parents were very loving, and they were extremely rich. In fact they were so rich... tell them Carol.

CAROL- I had every toy ever made in the whole wide world!

HENDERSON- Yes, Carol had everything. And by everything, I mean every toy ever known to kid-dom. Care Bears?

CAROL- Got 'em.

HENDERSON- My Little Ponies?

CAROL- Got 'em.

HENDERSON- Rainbow Brite, Strawberry Shortcake, Bratz, Beanie Babies?

CAROL- Every last one of 'em.

HENDERSON- Barbie?

CAROL- Please.

HENDERSON- Playstation, X-Box?

CAROL- And Nintendo.

HENDERSON- Bicycles?

CAROL- Every color you can imagine!

HENDERSON- Transformers?

CAROL- Eww!!!

HENDERSON- I said, Transformers?

CAROL- I heard you, Henderson. I've got 'em. They’re stupid, but boy, do I have 'em.

HENDERSON- Yes, she even had every boys toy ever made. GI Joe, Masters of the Universe, Pokemon, Dragonball Z, Yu-Gi-Oh, Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles...

CAROL- Hehe, I like Donatello. He's my friend.

HENDERSON- Carol had toys in every room of the house, and there were quite a few rooms.

CAROL- One hundred and six, to be exact!

HENDERSON- And she played with every one of them.

CAROL- A happy toy is a played with toy. And I believe in keeping my toys happy.

HENDERSON- And, I might add, Carol believed in sharing. Every afternoon, her friends would come over, and want to play. And Carol always let them.

CAROL- Yes, but sometimes, they had to play by certain rules.

            Buddy enters.

BUDDY- Hi, Carol!

CAROL- Hi, Buddy. What's up?

BUDDY- I was wonderin' if I could play with some of the toys.

CAROL- The Barbie dolls?

BUDDY- NO!!

CAROL- Polly Pockets?

BUDDY- You know which ones I want!

CAROL- Ohhhh... I bet you wanna see THESE toys!

            Carol pulls out a Boba Fett.

BUDDY- Wow! That's Boba Fett?

CAROL- It is? Okay. Sure.

BUDDY- Can I have him?

CAROL- Okay, but he has to play tea party with my Disney Princesses!

BUDDY- Ick! No way! We're gonna go capture Han Solo and take him to Jabba the Hutt.

CAROL- Sure, 'cause I know who that is.

BUDDY- Please???

CAROL- Okay. But first, you gotta say Boba Fett's a dollie.

BUDDY- I'm not saying that.

CAROL- Say he's a dollie.

BUDDY- He's not a dollie. He's an action figure!

CAROL- Dollie!

BUDDY- Action figure!

CAROL- Dollie!

BUDDY- Action figure!

CAROL- You want to play with him?

BUDDY- Yes!

CAROL- Then say he's a dollie! Come on, do it!

BUDDY- No!

CAROL- Say he's a dollie!

BUDDY- No!

CAROL- Say it! Say Boba Fett's a dollie! Say it! Say it!

BUDDY- Okay, he's a dollie, he's a dollie! Just give it!

CAROL- Okay. Here you go.

            Buddy takes the Boba Fett figure and runs off.

CAROL- I just love doing that.

HENDERSON- Carol had more than toys to share with her friends. She had bicycles, big wheels, wagons, a swing set and jungle gym, teeter totters, a merry-go-round, a king-size ball pit, and a swimming pool.

CAROL- (giggles) Yeah, and I got these really cool swimmies for when I go in the pool so I don't go (making drowning sounds) glug-glug-glug.

HENDERSON- And right beside the pool, the world's largest, biggest, most enormous sandbox!

CAROL- The sand box! Good grief, Henderson, do you know how long it's been since I was in the sandbox?

HENDERSON- It has been a while, Miss.

CAROL- We gotta do something about that!

            Carol grabs a bucket and pail.

CAROL- Come on! I'm gonna bury you up to your neck.

HENDERSON- I'm afraid we can't do that, Miss.

CAROL- You gettin' an attitude with me, Henderson?

HENDERSON- No, Miss. It's simply that it is too cold to play outside.

CAROL- Aw baloney!

HENDERSON- It's December. And the temperature has dropped well below--

CAROL- (smacking Henderson's arm) Did you say December??

HENDERSON- Yes, Miss.

CAROL- Good grief!! Don't you know what that means??? It's CHRISTMAS!!

HENDERSON- Indeed it is.

CAROL- I don't believe it. It snuck up on me! We've gotta go see Santa Claus!

HENDERSON- And so it came to pass, that I took Carol to the mall, and she went to see the great bearded wonder, Santa Claus.

CAROL- I can't believe Henderson letting me forget what time of year it is. No dessert for him tonight! Well, maybe just a taste.

            Santa enters.

SANTA- Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

CAROL- It's Santa! It's Santa!

SANTA- And what's your name, little girl?

CAROL- Carol.

SANTA- Hello, Carol. Have you been a good girl this year?

CAROL- Yes.

SANTA- You know, I have a list, and I'm going to check it twice.

CAROL- And I'll be on it both times, or you'll hear from my lawyer.

SANTA- Well, we don't need to bring any of those naughty people into the picture. Tell me what you want for Christmas!

CAROL- Okay. I want... I want...

SANTA- Yes?

CAROL- Hang on, give me a minute.

SANTA- Okay, but remember, Santa has to have time to hear all these other boys and girls.

CAROL- Don't rush me, okay. Let me think. Okay, how about a-- No, I've got that. What about-- No, I have three of those. Maybe a nice-- No. Or maybe...

SANTA- Any time, kid.

CAROL- Good grief... I don't know what to ask Santa to bring me for Christmas!!

HENDERSON- Yes, it was quite a dilemma for the girl who had everything. Because you see, when you have EVERYTHING... there's not much left to ask for.

CAROL- Now you tell me this! I can't believe it, Christmas is going to come, and I'm not going to get anything. And I was really, really GOOD this year!

HENDERSON- No argument here.

CAROL- You're STILL not getting a big dessert tonight.

HENDERSON- Sad.

CAROL- Well let's eliminate some categories. I've got ALL the toys there are to have. Including the ones I hate. All the video games. And hard as it is to believe, more dresses than I could ever possibly wear, even if I changed clothes four times a day.

HENDERSON- Which she does.

CAROL- Shush!

HENDERSON- Perhaps, Miss, you should think outside the box. Think of something more unusual and exotic.

CAROL- Like what?

HENDERSON- Perhaps you could ask for your own boy band.

CAROL- Hey, that's a great-- Nah! I'd only have to feed and clean up after them.

HENDERSON- A task which would no doubt fall to me.

CAROL- And I bet that Joey Fatone eats a LOT!

HENDERSON- You could ask for just one boy band member.

CAROL- True.

HENDERSON- I hear Justin Timberlake is available.

CAROL- Nah, I'm more into J.C. myself.

HENDERSON- So why not ask for J.C.?

CAROL- Gosh, Henderson, if you want a boy band member so much, you ask for it.

HENDERSON- I would, Miss, except this is not a play about me. It's all about you.

CAROL- A play? You mean there's a play about me?

HENDERSON- Yes, Miss. We're in it even as we speak.

CAROL- Oh no!

HENDERSON- What's the matter.

CAROL- I was gonna ask Santa for a play that was all about me. But I've already got one of those too!

HENDERSON- So the search began. Carol used her daddy's computer, built a database, and tried to discover some toy, gift she did not have.

CAROL- This is hopeless!

HENDERSON- I'm sure you'll think of something, Miss.

CAROL- No, not the Christmas present. The computer, I don't get it. It's stupid! Where's Buddy? He usually knows how to work these things.

HENDERSON- Why don't we skip that part of the story and cut to where you see the commercial for the ULTIMATE toy.

CAROL- The ULTIMATE toy??

            Tony enters with the Julie doll.

TONY- Hey, kids, looking for the perfect gift for Christmas?

CAROL- Yes!

TONY- Tired of the same old same old?

CAROL- Am I ever!

TONY- This Christmas, your ultimate dream is going to come true.

CAROL- I’m going to get to sing with Gwen Stefani???

TONY- You’re going to find a special gift under your tree, a little doll we call the ULTIMATE JULIE DOLL!!!

            Tony pulls out a Julie doll.

CAROL- The Julie Doll? I got a million of those!

TONY- Not like THIS one, you don’t!

CAROL- Oh yeah? What makes her so special?

TONY- Ultimate Julie Doll is the greatest doll EVER made. She has her own bottle to drink from.

CAROL- Been there, done that!

TONY- And she has special tear ducts! This dollie actually cries!

CAROL- Yawn! Tell me something I don’t know!

TONY- She can even wet her diapers!

CAROL- Yeah, yeah, OLD material! Come on, show me something REALLY new!

TONY- She can even make all the little boys cry!

CAROL- She WHAT???

TONY- That’s right, the Ultimate Julie Doll drinks, wets, cries, AND makes all the boys cry!

CAROL- No kiddin???

TONY- How long have you waited for a doll that not only drinks, wets, and cries, but can make all the boys cry?

CAROL- My whole LIFE!!!

TONY- Then you know how much you’re going to hate yourself if you don’t get the ULTIMATE JULIE DOLL for Christmas!

CAROL- Do I ever!

TONY- Life just won’t be complete without it!

CAROL- You’re telling me!

TONY- So be sure and ask your mom and dad for the ULTIMATE JULIE DOLL!!

CAROL- Good grief! It’s only a few day til Christmas, too! HENDERSON!!

HENDERSON- Yes, Miss?
CAROL- Henderson, we have a crisis! I have to have the Ultimate Julie Doll for Christmas!

HENDERSON- Don’t you already have a hundred Julie dolls?

CAROL- Not the ULTIMATE Julie Doll!

HENDERSON- The Ultimate Julie Doll? What makes her so Ultimate?

CAROL- She drinks, she wets, she cries, AND she makes all the boys cry!

HENDERSON- Impossible!

CAROL- It’s true! It’s true! Henderson… I’ve GOTTA have that doll!

HENDERSON- What shall we do, Miss?

CAROL- I need to see Santa!

HENDERSON- Of course.

CAROL- Well hurry up with the costume change!! Go, go, go!

            Santa enters.

SANTA- Ho, ho, ho, Merry—

CAROL- Skip it, Santa! We got business to take care of!

SANTA- Of course. What do you want?

CAROL- Santa, okay, I know what I want, and this is REALLY REALLY important!!

SANTA- I’m sure. What is it, Carol?

CAROL- Santa, I have to have the Sensational New Julie Doll!

SANTA- The Julie Doll?

CAROL- That’s right, I need the Julie Doll! The one that drinks, wets, cries, AND can make all the boys cry???

SANTA- Yes, I know the doll.

CAROL- Please say you can get me one, Santa! Please, please!

SANTA- I wish I could, Carol, but…

CAROL- But what???

SANTA- Carol, it’s impossible.

CAROL- No it’s not.

SANTA- Yes it is! Every little girl in the world wants that doll, but it’s the rarest doll in the world.

CAROL- How rare?

SANTA- Well, Carol, the Julie Doll Company factory burned down after they started running the commercials. They only saved ONE doll.

CAROL- Well I have to have it!

SANTA- Good luck, kid.

CAROL- I don’t believe this! What is this world coming to? A little girl is good all year, in the hopes that she’ll make Santa’s nice list, because she knows Santa only brings gifts to the GOOD boys and girls. Then, after a hard year of being good, she expects that Santa will bring her EVERYTHING she wants… only to be disappointed, crushed, destroyed. Why, Santa? Why??? WHY????

SANTA- (offers her candy) Candy Cane?

CAROL- Get outta here, Santa!!

HENDERSON- Carol was heartbroken, but not even Santa could discourage her in her quest.

CAROL- I’ve gotta have that doll! Henderson, we’re not going to eat or sleep until we find it!

HENDERSON- Are you sure that’s a wise decision?

CAROL- Okay, we can stop for a Happy Meal, but only at meal time!