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The Bearded Ladies Christmas
by John Cosper
(A manger is on stage. Helen is on stage dressed as Mary, holding a doll that is baby Jesus.)
HELEN- So here you are, the child who was promised so many months ago. You’re so
tiny, and so helpless. It’s so hard to believe that such a tiny infant could really be the Son of God.
(Cassie, Anne, and Kristie enter as the Three Kings, complete with fake beards and gifts.)
HELEN- What’s this? Look, Jesus. It appears to be three kings, who have traveled from the Far East! And they’ve brought gifts for you. Gold, Frankincense, and—
DAISY- (in the audience) Cut!!
(The actresses on stage look up.)
DAISY- Kristie! You’re wearing nail polish!
KRISTIE- So?
DAISY- You’re supposed to be playing one of the three kings. Why are you wearing
nail polish?
KRISTIE- Because I wear nail polish every day of my life.
DAISY- Lose the nail polish.
KRISTIE- You want me to do this without nail polish?
DAISY- Yes.
KRISTIE- No way!
DAISY- What?
KRISTIE- Look, (rips off her beard) you can make me wear a beard, and this awful, smelly costume, but there is no way I will go anywhere without nail polish!
HELEN- She’s just trying to make things as authentic as possible. What’s the big deal?
ANNE- Oh, easy for you to say, Helen. YOU get to be Mary.
DAISY- Stay out of this, both of you.
ANNE- (takes off the beard, starts to walk away) Gladly.
DAISY- Where are you going?
ANNE- You said stay out of the drama.
DAISY- I said stay out of the argument.
ANNE- But I want out of the drama.
HELEN- You can’t quit! We need you.
DAISY- The story calls for three kings, Anne!
ANNE- Then you can wear the beard.
(Anne exits stage left. Daisy follows her.)
KRISTIE- Well… while they’re chasing down Anne again, I’m going to paint my toes. C’mon, Helen.
(Helen picks up the manger. Kristie and Helen exit stage right. Cassie takes off her beard and crown.)
CASSIE- Look, this isn’t what you think. We’re not from one of those feminist churches that tries to deny that Jesus was a man and thinks God is a woman. It’s just that we don’t have any choice. We wanted to start a drama group. We wanted to do plays for God, and we do. There’s just one tiny problem. We can never recruit any guys.
(Cassie takes off the king costume. She has street clothes on underneath.)
CASSIE- It all started last summer when we went to camp. We saw this drama group called Potter’s Clay, and they were awesome! It really opened our eyes as to how God could use drama as a ministry. That night in our bunks, Daisy – she’s the director – suggested we start our own drama group. The next day, we went to work on recruiting other members right away.
(Anne enters with Daisy close behind.)
ANNE- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
DAISY- But Anne, think of the ministry we could do. You saw that drama group last
night. You saw the kind of impact the drama made on the audience.
ANNE- I saw it. I just don’t want to be a part of it.
DAISY- Why not?
ANNE- I’m not an actress.
DAISY- Have you ever tried?
ANNE- Does it matter?
DAISY- I think you’d be really good if you’d give it a try.
ANNE- Why is that?
DAISY- Well, you’re very quick on your feet. And you can be dramatic when you want?
ANNE- So you’re saying I’m a drama queen?
DAISY- No…
ANNE- Oh, so you’re just making up stuff to convince me to do something I don’t want
to do.
DAISY- Anne, please!
ANNE- (to Cassie) Can you believe this?
CASSIE- Sure I can. I’m going to do it.
ANNE- You mean the drama?
CASSIE- Yeah.
ANNE- Et tu, Cassie?
DAISY- Listen to yourself! You’re quoting Shakespeare! You have to do drama.
ANNE- (groans) Look, if you really need help, call me. I can fill in here and there, but I
will not commit to the group full time.
DAISY- Agreed.
ANNE- And I won’t do any serious parts where I have to cry.
DAISY- Fine.
(Anne exits.)
CASSIE- That makes three of us. Who else should we ask?
(Kristie runs in, nervous and excited.)
KRISTIE- Hi! Umm, are you Daisy?
DAISY- Yes.
KRISTIE- Hi, Daisy. My name’s Kristie, and I know you don’t know me or anything, but
I heard through the grape vine that you’re looking to start a drama group.
DAISY- Yes we are.
KRISTIE- Like the one we saw last night? Potter’s Clay?
DAISY- Same idea, yes.
KRISTIE- Well, do you think it’s possible, I mean, I know I’m new and all, but I really,
really want to act and be an actress and… I’d love to join your group.
DAISY- You would?
KRISTIE- Uh huh.
DAISY- Okay. What kind of theater experience have you had?
KRISTIE- Well, I’ve been to an awful lot of theater. And I watch TV and movies
religiously. (yells) “Sal, Wyoming’s not a country!” That was Al Pacino in Dog
Day Afternoon.
DAISY- Was it now?
KRISTIE- Would you rather here me do something classic, like from Midsummer Night’s
Dream or Romeo and Juliet?
DAISY- No, no. I think that gives us an idea of the, uh, talent you have. We’ll… we’ll
call you.
KRISTIE- You will?
DAISY- If we need you, yes.
(Helen enters, reading her Bible.)
KRISTIE- Do you want my number? Because you’ll need it to call me.
CASSIE- Daisy, look! It’s Helen. Think she’d want to join us?
DAISY- I don’t know, Cassie.
CASSIE- Why not? She’s such a strong Christian, and she loves doing ministry.
DAISY- Helen acts in the professional theater, Cass. Why would she want to work with
us?
CASSIE- It wouldn’t hurt to ask.
DAISY- Okay.
CASSIE- Helen!
HELEN- Hmm? Oh, hi, girls. What’s up?
CASSIE- Daisy and I have a question for you.
HELEN- Ask away.
DAISY- We’ve decided to start a drama group at church, like Potter’s Clay.
HELEN- Really? Awesome!
CASSIE- And we want you to be in it.
HELEN- Me? In a church drama group?
DAISY- I know it’s beneath your talents, but we thought we’d ask anyway because—
HELEN- I’ll do it.
CASSIE- (a bit surprised) You will?
HELEN- Cassie, it would be my honor. Thank you both for asking. You don’t know what
this means to me.
DAISY- You don’t know what it means to us either. To have such a great talent involved
is such a blessing. I mean you’ve done professional theater, right?
HELEN- Professional? Ha! The people I’ve worked with in that capacity have been the
farthest thing from professionals. You see girls, I could have been Annie. I was nearly Wendy in Peter Pan. I was almost Juliet, too. I’ve been one step away from the spotlight all my life, forever in the dark looking in at the light. And why? Not for lack of talent! Not for lack of training! But for Blair!
CASSIE- Blair?
HELEN- (growing more dramatic and passionate) Yes, Blair! Blair, the witch, the devil
child of the high school theater director! No one would argue that toe to toe, I am the superior talent. But Blair had something more than I had. She had the favor with the theater producer! Because of her father, Blair had the political edge to take away Annie, Wendy, and Juliet! She has denied me the spotlight long enough! And yet now, I can see a reason why, why God has allowed me to suffer and fall short before that little monster! Because God has saved a greater spotlight for me. Yes, I will act with you! We will walk in the light because God is the light. And upon the Lord’s stage, we will lift up our Savior for all the world to see, and draw all men to Him!
(Helen falls to her knees in exhaustion. Daisy and Cassie applaud enthusiastically.)
KRISTIE- (stilted and wooden) Oh Romeo, Romeo, Romeo… err Romeo. Wherefore…
are you, Romeo… Romeo?
CASSIE- That’s enough, Kristie. Thank you.
(Helen, and Kristie exit. Helen puts her arm around Kristie.)
DAISY- This is truly wonderful. The day after we decide to start a drama group, and we
already have four girls. Five counting Anne.
CASSIE- We need to recruit some guys.
DAISY- I talked to Nick and Jeremy. Neither one of them is interested.
CASSIE- Yeah, Neil and Tyler said the same thing.
DAISY- Did you mention it to Sean?
CASSIE- He’s got football. He can’t do it.
DAISY- Joey?
CASSIE- Basketball, and he hates acting.
DAISY- Richie! Richie does drama.
CASSIE- Yes, but he goes to the performing arts school, and he says he doesn’t have
time.
DAISY- That’s no good.
CASSIE- Can we do drama without any guys?
DAISY- I don’t know. But I guess we’ll find out, won’t we?