SCENE ONE

(Drum roll as the lights come up.)

NARRATOR- Ladies and gentlemen, will you please rise for the singing of the Terminus

City national anthem.

(Drum roll continues as Morbidman, Everyman, and Master of the Obvious enter to sing the National Anthem. They sing to the tune of "God Save the Queen.")

Terminus City National Anthem

Our city's really sweet

Our streets are really neat

And there's no smog

We've got a groovy school

Our bowling alley is so cool

And as a general rule

No one drinks egg nog!

MORBIDMAN- Everyone sing along this time!

(Print the lyrics in the program, or have the characters hold up signs, or project them onto a screen for the second pass through the song. Before it is finished, Scorn enters from the audience.)

SCORN- Stop the music! Stop the music!

MORBIDMAN- Who dares to interrupt the singing of our fair city's national anthem.

MASTER- She does.

EVERYMAN- Thank you, Captain Obvious.

MASTER- That's Master of the Obvious to you, Everyman.

SCORN- And this is me, Scorn. 

MORBIDMAN- Oh, it's you!

SCORN- Yeah, it's me. Now explain to me, what's with the song?

MORBIDMAN- Well... it's patriotic, and we love our city, so we're singing it.

SCORN- Uh huh, yeah, but does anyone besides me think this is stupid?

EVERYMAN- Stupid? You saying our national anthem is stupid?

SCORN- You gonna tell me it isn't? Our city's really sweet? We don't drink egg nog?

Isn't it obvious how stupid this is?

MASTER- Yes it is.

MORBIDMAN- You traitor! You Benedict Omelette!

SCORN- Benedict Omelette?

MORBIDMAN- How dare you defame our fair city and her national anthem.

SCORN- Yeah, see, that brings me to my point. In order for one to have a "national"

anthem, you have to have a nation.

MORBIDMAN- So?

SCORN- So? This is Terminus City, not Terminus Nation. It is merely a small part of a

much larger nation.

MASTER- That means it's not a nation, but part of a nation.

MORBIDMAN- Nation? What, you mean like the Rhythm Nation?

SCORN- I should have known better than to try and explain this to you. Look, we live in

Terminus City, right?

MORBIDMAN- Okay.

SCORN- And Terminus City is part of a larger body of land. This is called a...

MORBIDMAN- Continent?

SCORN- No.

EVERYMAN- Oh, I know. It's a subcontinent.

SCORN- A nation. A nation, fellas.

MORBIDMAN- Right, and that's why Terminus City has a national anthem.

SCORN- No, it doesn't! Well, it does, but it shouldn't. It should be called a city anthem,

or a city song. But it's not a national anthem.

EVERYMAN- But it is the national anthem of Terminus City.

NARRATOR- I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have a story to begin. Do you think you can

continue this argument elsewhere?

SCORN- Come on, fellas. I'll draw you a diagram.

(Scorn and the heroes exit together.)

NARRATOR- Finally, we can get on to our story. This, as has been established to the p

point of redundancy, is Terminus City, home of Morbidman, Everyman, and Master of the Obvious. It is also home to a real super hero, the teen sensation the Supreme Diva, and it is home to some of the most foul, wretched, filthy, evil, black-hearted, abominable--

SCENE TWO

(Dr. Insidious enters, dragging Annette by the arm.)

DR. I- Oh come on now! Give a guy a break.

NARRATOR- Yes, it was the notorious villain, Dr. Insidious!

DR. I- Villain? I'm just a man trying to make his way in the world. An evil man, but a

man nonetheless. Boys! Let's get a move on!

(Lenny and Jack enter. Lenny carries a camera. Jack carries a clapboard. He holds it in front of the camera.)

JACK- Dr. I's 287th plan to take over the world, take one.

(Jack snaps the clapboard shut, then moves out of the way.)

DR. I- We rolling?

LENNY- Good to go, Dr. I.

DR. I- People of the world, I am Dr. Insidious! And if you do not do exactly as I say, you

will all suffer at my hands, like this woman here!

ANNETTE- Listen to him! He's crazy!

DR. I- SILENCE!! I demand that within 48 hours, I be named ruler of the world. Do not

defy me, or you will suffer!

ANNETTE- Please, he'll kill me! He'll kill us all!

DR. I- Surrender to me! Resistance is futile!

ANNETTE- (breaks character) Resistance is futile? That's the best you could do?

DR. I- What's wrong with it?

ANNETTE- Come on, it's a line from Star Trek.

DR. I- It is?

JACK- Yeah, the Borg said it all the time.

DR. I- Oh.

ANNETTE- You might as well say you want to eat the world's liver with some fava

beans and a nice chianti.

(Jack and Lenny make the sucking noise Hannibal Lecter made after the above line.)

DR. I- Fellas, please, don't ever do that again.

ANNETTE- Take it again from the top. And this time, lose the "resistance is futile" line.

DR. I- Very well. I'll ad lib something clever.

JACK- Hey, I got it! Say, "Go ahead, make my day!"

LENNY- No wait, how about, "I'll be back!"

JACK- No, wait. "Mr. President, I am your father!"

DR. I- How about NO, Jack? Okay, let's do this.

(Jack holds the clapboard in front of the camera.)

JACK- Dr. I's 287th plan to take over the world, take two.

(Jack snaps the clapboard shut, then moves out of the way.)

LENNY- And action!

 (Morbidman, Everyman, and Master of the Obvious enter. Morbidman carries the diagram that Scorn drew.)

EVERYMAN- Halt, foul villains! The jig is up!

DR. I- Blast! It's you, Morbidman, and your little friends.

NARR- Yes, it was the Triumvirate of heroes: Morbidman, in real life the depressed

billionaire Scott Brooder, who draws his super powers from being the most depressed man alive; Everyman, the real life accountant Paul Schwartz, champion for the common man; and the enigma named Ed with dubious super powers who calls himself Master of the Obvious.

EVERYMAN- That's right, Dr. Insidious. We're here, and we are taking you down!

Right, Morbidman?

MORBIDMAN- I still don't get it, Paul.

EVERYMAN- Huh?

MORBIDMAN- I see Terminus City, I see the nation, but I don't get why we can't have

our own national anthem.

EVERYMAN- I hardly think this is the time for that discussion, Scott.

MORBIDMAN- I'm sorry, this is really bugging me.

EVERYMAN- Scott, we're in a battle.

MORBIDMAN- Oh? (sees Dr. Insidious) OH! So we are. Hey, Don.

DR. I- Hello, Scott. Look who I have here! It's your girlfriend!

ANNETTE- Help me, please! He's going to kill me.

MORBIDMAN- Of course, this would be a lot more frightening if I didn't know she

worked for you.

ANNETTE- Hey! Don't break my groove, Scott! I was on a roll.

MORBIDMAN- I'm sorry, honey, but the mere fact that I know that he pays you to act all

scared and hostage-like negates any fear I might have that he'd do you bodily

harm.

ANNETTE- (pushes the gun away from her head) Sorry, Don, I can't work like this. I'll

be in my trailer. Lenny! I need a massage.

LENNY- Yes, Annette.

DR. I- Stand your ground, Lenny! You have some heroes to beat up!

ANNETTE- Very well. But hurry it up. And give him an extra kick in the head for me.

(Annette exits.)

JACK- Okay, we can do this the hard way or the easy way.

EVERYMAN- Oh yeah? What's the easy way?

JACK- You just lay down on the ground nice and quiet like, and Lenny and I wail on

you.

EVERYMAN- What's the hard way?

JACK- We fight like men.

EVERYMAN- Ha! You call that a choice?

MASTER- Either way, we're about to get our butts kicked.

LENNY- Sounds like one hard war special coming up.

JACK- After you.

LENNY- Oh, thank you.

(Jack and Lenny run over and begin beating down Morbidman, Everyman, and Master of the Obvious.)

ANNETTE- Oh, Don, is this really necessary? That's my boyfriend.

DR. I- Annette, don't take it personal, it's just business.

ANNETTE- Go easy on the face, boys. We're supposed to get pictures made this

weekend.

LENNY- You got it, Annette.

DR. I- Ooh! Annette, grab that camera. Great photo op.

(Annette grabs the camera. Dr. Insidious stands in front of the fight scene.)

DR. I- Behold, Terminus City! Your mightiest heroes are no match for the forces of evil

led by Dr. Insidious! Who can stop me, Terminus City? Who can keep me from taking over the world?

(With a fanfare, or an explosion of thunder, the Mullet enters.)

LENNY- What in the wide, wide world of sports is that???

MULLET- Let those brave men go, fiends!

JACK- You talking about us, or them?

MULLET- The ones on the receiving end of an unjust beat down. Let them go, or face

my wrath.

LENNY- Jack? You thinking what I'm thinking?

JACK- I can give another beating today.

(Jack and Lenny run at the Mullet, who coolly reaches out his arms to clothesline them both.)

MULLET- Come on, you can do better than that!

(Jack and Lenny stand. They run at the Mullet again, and he bangs their heads together.)

JACK- Oh!!!

LENNY- My head!!

MULLET- Now, who's in charge here?

(Everyone points to Dr. Insidious. Dr. Insidious points, too late, at Annette.)

DR. I- Okay, so it's me. You may have bested my men, but if you think you can over

power a criminal mastermind such as myself, well then...

(Dr. Insidious takes off running like a girl.)

JACK- Dr. I??

LENNY- He left us! He left us!

MULLET- That's what happens when you cast your lot with the criminal underbelly.

They'll squeeze you for every ounce of life in your body, but when you need them, they tuck tail and run!

JACK- I knew we should have taken that internship with the accounting firm.

LENNY- Are you nuts? Dr. Insidious may be a criminal mastermind, but accountants?

Man, that's real evil.

MULLET- Now boys, we can do this the hard way, or the easy way.

JACK- What's the hard way?

MULLET- I come over there and beat you up and take you into custody.

LENNY- What's the easy way?

MULLET- You beat yourselves up, and then we head to jail.

JACK- Like we'd really do that.

(An eery light shines on the Mullet, captivating Lenny and Jack. Eery music plays.)

MULLET- You will beat yourselves up. You will obey! You will give in to the power of

the Mullet!!

(Jack and Lenny punch themselves out. The light and music fade out.)

MULLET- I'm proud of you boys. Now, let's be on our way, and clear the streets of this

garbage.

(The Mullet grabs Jack and Lenny by the collars.)

MORBIDMAN- Wait, before you go, tell us, who are you, o great crime fighter?

MULLET- They call me... THE MULLET!!!

(Musical fanfare. Everyone "ooooo"s in respectful awe. The Mullet exits, pushing the interns ahead of him.)

EVERYMAN- Wow! Did you-- wow. I mean can you believe-- wow!

MORBIDMAN- Yeah, what a guy.

EVERYMAN- I mean how cool was that? He got them to beat themselves up.

MORBIDMAN- He's powerful.

EVERYMAN- He's charismatic!

MASTER- He's named after a fish.

MORBIDMAN- Let's go. I want to see this guy book those goons down at the station.

EVERYMAN- Me too.

ANNETTE- Hey, Scott.

MORBIDMAN- Annette, I've told you, don't call me by my real name when I'm in

uniform.

ANNETTE- Oh please, everyone in town knows who you are. How come you never

called the other night?

MORBIDMAN- The other night?

ANNETTE- Friday night? We were supposed to go out?

MORBIDMAN- Friday? Oh, Friday! Right, I was... Uhm, Paul, what were we doing

Friday that kept me from calling my girlfriend here and going out with her?

EVERYMAN- Oh, right, that was the night you... uhh...

MASTER- That was the night you forgot the woman in your life and went out and played

Pac Man at the Old School Arcade and Pizza Place.

(Morbidman turns and glares at Master of the Obvious.)

ANNETTE- Pac Man, huh? Well, I know where I am on your list of priorities.

(Annette exits.)

MASTER- I messed up, didn't I?

MORBIDMAN- Yes, yes you did.

(Morbidman smacks Master of the Obvious on the back of the head. The heroes exit.)

SCENE THREE

NARRATOR- As our heroes made their way to the police station, the Mullet was headed

some place else. Deep into the heart of darkness, he found himself in a quaint little subdivision outside Terminus City at a little house, home of that dubious criminal mastermind, Dr. Insidious, who even now is preparing for yet another milestone in his evil life.

(Lights up on Dr. Insidious' home, a lovely and cozy place. Dr. Insidious is sitting on the floor with plans for an infant crib. The crib is assembled WRONG and looks it. Dr. Insidious is to the point of insanity.)

DR. I- What kind of monster are you?? How does it work? Show me!!!

(Kathy enters, 9 months pregnant, with a plate of cookies.)

KATHY- What was that, my tyrannical daddy-to-be?

DR. I- Nothing. Just trying to fix the crib.

KATHY- Is it ready?

DR. I- Well... I don't know.

KATHY- Where is the baby supposed to go?

DR. I- Well... I think we put the mattress... it goes... (kicks the crib in disgust) Three

doctoral degrees in evil and villany, nearly taken over the world several times, and yet I can't put together a simple crib.

KATHY- Aww, calm down, lovey pumpkin. We'll just have your interns fix the crib.

DR. I- Speaking of the boys, what's keeping them?

(Jack and Lenny are pushed through the door.)

DR. I- Jack! Lenny!

KATHY- Hello, boys. Cookies?

JACK- Not now, Mrs. I.

LENNY- We got problems. Big problems.

DR. I- Oh no! Don't tell me you led that wretched new hero of the people to my humble

abode and now he's going to come in and arrest me.

(The Mullet enters.)

MULLET- You're under arrest, you fiend!

JACK- Yeah, that's what we were gonna say.

MULLET- So, Dr. Insidious, you thought that you could make crime pay.

DR. I- It bought this house.

MULLET- Save it, evil madman! You're going to jail.

DR. I- Yes, I suppose it's time my crimes caught up with me. I'm ready to pay my debt to

society.

MULLET- That's a good criminal.

DR. I- That's what I've always aspired to be. Ever since I was a Boy Scout in the South

Central burrows of Transylvania, where we first composed this chant.

(Dr. Insidious and the Mullet play Paddycake and chant:)

DR. I/MULLET- Pattycake, patty cake, baker's man

                        Conquer the world as fast as you can.

                        Why should the people have liberty,

                        When they could be ruled by you and me?

(Dr. Insidious and the Mullet embrace and laugh.)

JACK- Hello? Anyone care to catch the interns up on what's going on?

DR. I- Jack, Lenny, meet my childhood friend, Stu White, aka the Mullet.

MULLET- Hi, boys. Nice job back there in the alley.

LENNY- We should be congratulating you. I mean the way you convinced us to beat

ourselves up, that was sweet.

MULLET- A little trick I picked up in Spain. Think nothing of it. (sees Kathy) And there

is the mom-to-be. Kathy, how are you?

KATHY- Fine, thank you, Stu. My, that new hairstyle suits you.

LENNY- No kidding. That's the spiffiest hair I have ever seen.

MULLET- You like?

JACK- Like? We LOVE!

MULLET- This is the source of all my power, boys. The thing that will bring Terminus

City, and ultimately the world, to its knees.

DR. I- And then, through my childhood pal, I will finally take over the world!

JACK- Cooooool.

LENNY- What do you call that do, dude?

MULLET- Isn't it obvious?

JACK- Even if it was, we're not the guy who'd get it.

LENNY- Yeah, he works with Morbidman.

MULLET- It's not only the source of my power, it's the origin of my name. This, dear

boys, is called a Mullet!

JACK- Wow!

LENNY- A Mullet.

KATHY- Isn't that the name of a fish?

MULLET- It's the hairdo, Kathy. I'm not a fish.

JACK- Hey, any chance we can get Mullets?

LENNY- Yeah, I'm all about that.

DR. I- I don't know, boys. The plan calls for us to get locked up until the Mullet is duly

elected Mayor.

MULLET- Yeah, about that, Don, I was wondering, do the boys really have to get locked

up?

DR. I- What do you mean?

MULLET- I was just thinking, what if the Mullet not only imprisoned the nefarious Dr.

Insidious, but convinced his interns to reform themselves? Then they could serve as testimonies to just how much I will reform this city when elected?

LENNY- Wow, what a terrific idea!

MULLET- It's all the Mullet, boys.

DR. I- Brilliant twist. Of course, usually if someone makes suggestions to modifying or

revising my plans, they go to bed without supper. But I like this, and since we're

old friends, I'm going to make the changes.

JACK- Cool! We don't have to go to jail!

DR. I- And send Jack and Lenny to bed without supper.

LENNY- Aww, man!

JACK- Why?

DR. I- Hey, I'm going to be eating government issued slop for dinner through election

day. If I have to suffer, no reason why you can't share my pain.

LENNY- Okay, Dr. I.

DR. I- Very good. Okay, Mullet. Take me in. I am ready to pay my debt to society, wink

wink.

MULLET- Very well. Let's go, you dirty rat!

DR. I- Bye, dear. (kisses Kathy on the cheek)

KATHY- Bye. Dress warmly, dear, and be nice to your cellmates.

DR. I- I will. Okay, law man. Let us away.

(Dr. Insidious and the Mullet exit.)

JACK- So what's for dinner, Mrs. I?

KATHY- No, no, no, boys. Bed without dinner. Doctor's orders.

JACK- Awww.

KATHY- But... that doesn't mean that after you're tucked in you couldn't sneak out and

slip down to the kitchen to attack a plate of cookies I might accidentally leave out.

LENNY- Gee, thanks, Mrs. I.

JACK- You're the best!

(Jack, Lenny, and Kathy exit.)