Morbidman Meets His Maker

by John Cosper and Susan Donen

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SCENE ONE

(A back alley. A chain link fence runs across the stage. A couple of metal trashcans are against the fence.)

NARR- This is Terminus City. A bustling metropolis with an important university at its core, Terminus City is widely regarded as center of learning and thought. Here, scholars debate democracy, religion, philosophy, and the meaning of life. Here, the leaders of tomorrow establish the intellectual foundations that will guide them on life’s journey. But there is a darker side to Terminus City… for evil lurks within the shadows, seeking to rule the city, the country, and even the world! But fortunately for us, evil has an enemy of it’s own: the Triumvirate!

(Jack and Lenny run on stage carrying sacks of loot. They wear black turtlenecks, black pants, and black masks.)

JACK- Ha ha ha ha! Let’s see what we have in our trick or treat bags!

(They begin pulling out wallets and purses.)

JACK- Ooooh, alligator wallet!

LENNY- Carvin Klein purse!

JACK- Dinner Club card!

LENNY- Hey, this purse has Hello Kitty on it!

JACK- Hello Kitty? Lenny, you did not mug a little girl again, did you?

LENNY- (awkward) She wouldn’t share her M&M’s.

JACK- The boss is not going to be very happy with you.

LENNY- There’s three dollars in here.

JACK- Three dollars? (pulls money out of the wallet) Man, take a look at this.

LENNY- WHOA! A hundred!

JACK- Exactly. I got this off a guy coming out of that French place.

LENNY- Chez Pierre?

JACK- Yeah! That’s the kinda clientele you want to mug.

LENNY- Oh, I see.

JACK- A ha! Platinum Vista Card. Lenny, what do you say we treat ourselves to some Italian food?

LENNY- Yeah!

(Everyman enters in a suit and mask carrying a briefcase.)

EVERYMAN- The only meal you’ll be eating tonight is a knuckle sandwich!

JACK- (rolls his eyes) Well look who it is. It’s Everyman.

NARR- Yes, it is Everyman, super hero for the common folk. By day he is a mild mannered accountant, but at night, he dons a mask, takes up the briefcase of justice, and fights as a member of the city’s league of super heroes: the Terminus Triumvirate!

EVERYMAN- The game is up, evil ones! Now, let’s away to the police station to turn in that stolen money and surrender to authorities.

JACK- And if we say no?

EVERYMAN- (sets down briefcase, takes off coat, rolls up sleeves) Then I guess we’ll have to settle this the old fashioned way… with our fists!

JACK- Look, buddy, we like you. Really we do. And to be honest, I feel bad each and every time we fight.

EVERYMAN- Is it the conviction in your heart that you’re up to no good?

JACK- No… I just really hate having to beat you senseless all the time. Don’t you get tired of it?

EVERYMAN- I never tire of fighting for justice.

JACK- Okay. Ready, Lenny?

LENNY- Let’s do it!

(Lenny charges at Everyman, who grabs his suitcase and hits Lenny in the face, knocking him down.)

LENNY- OWW!

JACK- You hurt Lenny!

EVERYMAN- (surprised) I did? Yes, of course I did! The long arm of the law hurts when it—

JACK- Ehhh, shuddup!

(Jack pulls out a knife. Everyman grabs two ballpoint pens from his pocket. Jack swings the knife down at Everyman, who blocks it by criss-crossing the pens. Jack pushes down with the knife. Everyman pushes up with the pen. Jack kicks Everyman in the leg.)

EVERYMAN- Owww!

(Jack punches Everyman in the face, sending him spinning and collapsing to the ground.)

JACK- Can we call it quits now?

(Everyman gets up, charges Jack with his head down. Jack steps aside. Lenny is waiting, holding a trash can lid as a shield. Everyman collides headfirst with the lid. Everyman flips back, stunned, and falls.)

JACK- Shall we dance?

LENNY- Yes, let’s!

(Jack and Lenny begin kicking Everyman, who keeps yelling “Ow.”)

NARR- Sadly, though the heroes of the Terminus Triumvirate meant well, they were really poor at fighting crime.

(Lenny and Jack stop kicking.)

LENNY- Do you think he’s had enough?

(Everyman pulls himself up.)

JACK- Doesn’t look like it, no.

EVERYMAN- You’ll never win! You’re bad guys.

JACK- That hasn’t stopped us up ‘til now.

EVERYMAN- Prepare to face my wrath!

LENNY- I feel terrible about this.

JACK- So do I. Tell you what, Everyman, we’ll turn our backs and give you a free hit.

(Jack and Lenny turn to the audience, their backs to Everyman.)

EVERYMAN- Really?

LENNY- It’s the only sportsman-like thing to do.

EVERYMAN- All right then. Prepare to lose!

(Everyman steps back to upstage. He charges…)

JACK- Now.

(Jack and Lenny part. Everyman flies off the stage and lands down front in the audience, knocked out. Jack and Lenny are stunned.)

LENNY- What the—

JACK- Where did he go?

LENNY- Jack, he flew right through that wall!

(Jack and Lenny feel the invisible fourth wall of the stage, which to them is another wall in the alley.)

LENNY- How could that happen?

JACK- I dunno. Maybe it was a wormhole.

LENNY- A what?

JACK- A portal through time and space that exists only for a split second. He could be anywhere in the universe.

LENNY- Let’s get out of here, man. That’s creepy.

SUPREME DIVA- (off) Not so fast!

(Supreme Diva runs on stage and poses, ala Wonder Woman. Jack and Lenny are horrified!)

LENNY- Jack… it’s… it’s…

NARR- It’s the Supreme Diva, the true hero of Terminus City! An All-American teenager, an honors student, cheerleader, and homecoming queen, she was abducted by UFO’s and graced with super powers that are out of this world!

SUPREME DIVA- And where do you think you’re going?

JACK- Us? No where special!

LENNY- We wanted to return all this loot to its rightful owners!

SUPREME DIVA- I will take that!

(Jack and Lenny grab the bags and lay them at Supreme Diva’s feet.)

LENNY- Yes, ma’am!

JACK- Anything you say!

LENNY- Our pleasure.

SUPREME DIVA- Thank you.

JACK- You want we should turn ourselves into the police?

LENNY- Yeah, yeah, please let us turn ourselves in!

JACK- Don’t hurt us.

SUPREME DIVA- What, are you afraid of a little girl?

LENNY- Yes! Yes we are!

SUPREME DIVA- Aww, you big sissies! What’s to be afraid of? Wind?

(Supreme Diva blows at the bad guys. Stage lights go icy blue. Sound of a mighty wind. Jack and Lenny shiver.)

JACK- P-p-p-p-lease St-t-t-t-top-p-p-p-p!

SUPREME DIVA- Oh, you boys look cold.

LENNY- N-n-n-n-no We’re n-n-n-n-ot!

SUPREME DIVA- Please, let me warm you up!

(Supreme Diva shoots laser eyes at Jack and Lenny. Sound effect of laser beams. Have stage lights go brilliant red. Jack and Lenny sink to their knees in agony.)

JACK- Please, have mercy on us!

SUPREME DIVA- Go on, get lost!

(Jack and Lenny scamper off.)

SUPREME DIVA- Now to return these items to the police that their rightful owners may reclaim them.

(Lights out.)