Perfect Match... with Dr. Insidious

By John Cosper

CHARACTERS

Announcer

Bob- Game show host

Jack and Diane Summers- A "picture perfect" couple

Dr. Don Insidious- Evil genius

Kathy Insidious- Dr. Insidious' June Cleaver-like wife

(The stage is set with two sets of chairs behind two microphones at stage left. A podium is stage right. Game show theme plays. Jack and Diane enter from opposite sites. They have the same color hair and matching outfits.)

ANNOUNCER- He's a handsome lawyer downtown Burbank. She's a beautiful lawyer from downtown Burbank. Meet Jack and Diane Summers.

(Jack and Diane run to each other, give a cutesy hug and air kisses, then sit in two chairs behind one microphone. Don and Kathy enter.)

ANNOUNCER- She's a happy homemaker from Ohio. He's a mad genius who wants to take over the world. Meet Don and Kathy Insidious!

(Don and Kathy run to each other. Don kisses Kathy's hand.)

ANNOUNCER- Find out which of these couples is the most perfectly matched today on PERFECT MATCH!

(Bob enters.)

BOB- And welcome to Perfect Match, the show that puts marriages to the ultimate test of knowledge. Let's meet our contestants. Jack and Diane, you two have a law firm in Burbank?

JACK- That's right. We met in law school...

DIANE- ...where we discovered we loved the same clothes...

JACK- ...the same frothy white mocha cappuccinos...

DIANE- ...and discovered we made perfect partners.

BOB- Kathy, I understand you've served dinner to some prominent world leaders.

KATHY- Yes indeed, Bob. In his quest to take over the world, Don sometimes brings home some guests, and it's my job to keep them comfortable until their countries pay the heft ransom demanded. I've served the premier of Russia, the prime ministers of Great Britain and Germany, and even the President of the United States.

BOB- Wow, big names all. And now for our first round. Before today's show, we asked both husbands and wives some personal questions, to test their knowledge of their mates. Let's see how they did. We'll start with Diane. Who is Jack's biggest hero?

DIANE- Well, Bob, as a lawyer, I grew up watching the greatest TV lawyer of all time, Perry Mason. And if I know my Jack, that would have to be his hero as well.

BOB- Okay, Perry Mason. Jack, what answer did you give?

JACK- (holds up a small sign with his answer) Spider-Man.

DIANE- Spider-Man?? A stupid comic book?

JACK- It's not stupid! It's a great story about how with great power comes great responsibility.

DIANE- It's a comic book, Jack. Grow up.

BOB- Kathy, over to you.

KATHY- Well, my Donny here has many heroes, from Napoleon to Ernst Stavro Blofeld. But I would have to say Don's favorite would be the great Attilla the Hun.

DON- (holds up a sign that reads) You read my mind!

(Kathy and Don rub noses sweetly.)

DIANE- Oh please!!

BOB- Okay, guys, your turn. What is your wife's favorite book?

JACK- Well, being lawyers, we never miss a good John Grisham novel. So I'd say Diane's favorite is Grisham's The Firm.

BOB- The Firm. Diane?

DIANE- (holds up a card with the answer "Jane Austen's Emma")

BOB- Wow, Jane Austen's Emma.

JACK- You really read that mush?

DIANE- Mush?? Jane Austen is great literature! Not like your Spider-Man!

BOB- Okay, Don, same question.

DON- This is an easy one, Bob. Men Who Want to Take Over the World and the Women Who Love Them.

BOB- Kathy?

KATHY- (holds a sign with the correct answer)

BOB- Men Who Want to Take Over the World and the Women Who Love Them.

KATHY- Oh, Donny! (kisses Don on the cheek)

BOB- All right, back to the ladies now. Diane, what was Jack's favorite club as a child?

DIANE- Well, I'm gonna take a stab at this one. I myself was a member of the Young Republican's Club, and...

JACK- (shakes his head)

DIANE- Oh what did you put down, you lunkhead?

JACK- (holds up sign) The Mr. Belvedere Fan Club.

DIANE- Mr. Belvedere??? You never told me you liked that TV show.

JACK- You never bothered to find out, did you?

BOB- Kathy?

KATHY- My Donny was a proud member of the Boy Scouts!

DON- (holds sign) Guilty as charged! (kisses Kathy's cheek)

JACK- Boy Scouts? I find that hard to believe!

DON- Believe it! Of course the Boy Scouts were a lot different where I came from. In the South Central burrows of Transylvania, we knew how to "be prepared", but instead of preparing to do good deeds we were usually up to something nasty. Bombing an old ladies home. Derailing a train. Assassinating the scout leader of a rival troop. All the things a future super villain needs to know as a child if he wants to reach his career goals.

BOB- This brings us to the end of round one. But before we go to break, a few more words with the lovely couples. Jack, Diane, what would you say is the secret to your happiness?

DIANE- Ha! I'd say that's a secret even I couldn't tell you at the moment. You really like Spider-Man?

JACK- I have a whole collection of comics in the basement, honey. The green file cabinets?

DIANE- I thought those were your case files! Is that what you spend hours reading?

JACK- It's no worse than you and your Jane Austen!

DIANE- How would you know? You've never read Jane Austen!

JACK- You've never bothered to recommend it to me!

BOB- How about you, Don and Kathy?

KATHY- It's no secret, Bob. It's communication.

DON- Yes indeed. My work keeps me very busy, but I never let it take me away from my beloved for long. I don't want to wake up one morning ruler of the world and find I'm married to a stranger. So we set aside plenty of time for talking and sharing.

JACK- Sounds like something we could use, honey.

DIANE- You're the one keeping long hours.

JACK- And you're not?

BOB- We need to take a quick break, but when we come back, we'll learn more about how communication keeps love alive on Perfect Match!

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