curtain

Righteous Insanity's Curtain Speech

Feel free to adapt and use this as it suits your needs.

SPEAKER- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to [insert theater name here]. We are very pleased tonight to bring to you tonight's production, [insert play name here] by [insert writer's name here] under the direction of [insert director's name here]. Before we begin tonight's performance, there are a few things I would like to cover.

(An actor walks out on stage.)

SPEAKER- First of all, there is no smoking in our auditorium. We ask this not only for the sake of our other guests, but for your own safety, as failure to comply with this stipulation may result in your being embarrassed by one of our actors who will respond thus.

(The actor starts choking, over-exaggerated, disgusting sounding choking, pointing to someone accusingly as if they are a smoker.)

ACTOR- Murderer!

(The actor flops over dead; then stands back up as the Speaker continues.)

SPEAKER- Secondly, we ask that there will be no flash photography, as this is not only disruptive to our guests, but it generally provokes another adverse reaction from our actors.

(The speaker flashes a flash cube at the Actor.)

ACTOR- AHHHHHHHH!!! I AM BLIND!!! BLIND!!! THE PHOTO RAYS ARE EATING MY EYES OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS!!! IT BURNS!!!

SPEAKER- Ugly, isn't it? Of course if you think that's bad, you should see what they do when cell phones and beepers go off, so I'd advise you to put those devices on silent mode as well. Furthermore, we ask that there be no food or drink brought into the auditorium. (The speaker tosses an apple at someone in the audience.) Again, ladies and gentlemen, this is for your safety.

(The Actor wrestles the apple away from the audience member.)

ACTOR- Gimme it!! Me so hungry!!

(The Actor starts eating the apple like a rodent, with more food dropping out of his/her mouth than staying in.)

SPEAKER- I might add that our actors are on a strict diet, and therefore we ask that you do not feed them. Do not attempt to pet the actors either, as they are prone to bite.

(The Actor pauses from his apple to bare his teeth.)

SPEAKER- We ask at this time that you take a moment to familiarize yourself with the emergency exits located in the building.

(The Actor turns into a steward/stewardess, doing the airline safety hand gesture routine as the Speaker continues on.)

SPEAKER- The exits are located [point out the exits]. We'd also ask that you make sure all safety belts are fastened. To fasten the belt, please insert the flat piece into the larger, and adjust the strap. If you need to get up for any reason, pull on the lever, and the strap will come lose. If this theater should become submerged in water, your seat cushion will act as a flotation device. And if the theater should become depressurized, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. To put on the mask, simply pull the hose to it's full length to start the flow of oxygen, secure the mask around your face with the elastic, and breathe normally. Of course if you're too scared to breathe normally, you can always scream like a little girl.

(The Actor screams like a little girl to demonstrate.)

SPEAKER- There will be one 15 minute intermission during today's show, in between Acts One and Two. If at the end of regulation, the play should end in a tie, then we will go into sudden death overtime.

(Gunshot from the rear of the auditorium. The Actor grabs his/her chest, falls dead. Stage hands come out and drag the body off.)

SPEAKER- And now, ladies and gentlemen, [insert theater name] proudly presents, [insert show name].