By John Cosper

On December 21, 2007, a black hole vanished from our world. He was not known to the public at large, but to super-villains everywhere, he was an inspiration, and their best hope. He was known to his neighbors as Arnold Bender, but to Lex Luthor, the Green Goblin, Ernst Blofeld, and other great villains, he was known simply as "Pops."

Pops Bender was the one who made it. He alone had held the world for ransom, gotten his price, and made off with the money. His success paved the way to a new career as a life coach for the world's most dastardly villains.

Pops kept a diary for more than fifty years, writing down his thoughts on the people, places, and ideas he encountered. He espoused his views on everything from designing the perfect lairs to the fair and equitable treatment of henchmen.

The following are excerpts from Pops Benders memoirs, soon to be published by Random House. Proceeds will go to benefit the International Pension Fund for Orphaned Henchmen, a charitable organization that benefits Henchmen who have become "orphaned" by the loss of their fearless leader either by death or imprisonment.

There's a reason most super-villains fail, and it has nothing to do with their ability to thwart a hero. It's all about your end game. When I sit down with a super-villain, the very first question I ask is, "What next?" After you get the ransom, after you nuke the planet, what will you do with the remaining 30, 40, 50 years of your life. Nine out of ten have no answer.

The extortionist might say, "Well, I'll just live on a beach." What beach? You going to leave the country? Where will you flee? How will you hide the money? One hundred trillion dollars is a lot of cash.

The bringers of doom talk about ruling the ashes, being king or emperor. Of what? A third world wasteland? These guys don't realize that if their plans succeed, there will be no infrastructure, no technology that will allow them to subdue and subvert. And hardly any of them have enough henchmen on the payroll to enforce their power. I tell them to watch the Road Warrior, then get back with me when they have an idea how they're going to establish their totalitarian state.

People often ask me for a checklist when designing a lair. Here is what I tell them:

Fire exits should be clearly marked, and fire drills a regular part of lair life. Install fire extinguishers and test them regularly. Install smoke detectors and keep fresh batteries in them. Use eye protection around dangerous machinery. Use ear protection around loud machines. Keep walkways clear of obstructions, and mop up spills. Do not leave extension cords loose; tape them down. Use proper safety gear when handling plutonium. All vehicles should have safety belts, air bags, and ejector seats. Anyone using weapons should be trained and certified to fire whatever weapon it is you hand them, be it a pistol, a rocket launcher, or a laser. If you have high balconies, it doesn't cost that much to put a railing up there.

Just because you're evil doesn't mean you have the right to skirt proper safety.

Ran into Luthor the other night in Toronto. We grabbed some dinner, then took a tour bus full of seniors hostage so we could play chess with real people, with a slight change to the rules: whenever one of us moved a piece to take another, we let them fight to the death to see who would come out on top. What a card. The guy could really be something if he'd only get over his fixation on Superman. He could be ruler of a hundred small countries in Africa or Asia, but he wouldn't hold up a Kentucky Fried Chicken unless Superman was inside. It's like he has a man crush or something.

Met with a nice young fellow from Africa the other day who wanted to make the Western world pay for letting his people suffer. He told me about this grand scheme he had for building a lair, creating a super weapon. He had blueprints, a time table, and a lot of charisma. He just had no clue what it takes to get a lair up and running.

After you design your lair, ask yourself these key questions:

Where are you going to get electricity from? You gonna use nuclear power of gas-powered generators? Where are those supplies coming from? Unless you land on an island with a huge, untapped reserve, you're going to need to shop for deals. And that's not all.

Where will you get groceries from? Henchmen have to eat, and so do you. It's not like you can get McDonalds to open up shop on the island. Subway, maybe. (Note to self: call Jared back to reschedule lunch.)

How about cleaning supplies? A lair gets dirty real easy. Have you budgeted for a janitorial staff, mops, buckets, etc? I can't tell you how many guys failed because their Henchmen quit or died thanks to dirty working conditions.

It's not enough to have a good location and a great weapon. Not any more.

Caught Dr. Mephisto on CNN the other night. The guy had so much potential, then he goes on camera in front of millions of people and freezes up. People feared him. Now they're mocking him on Saturday Night Live.

If you're not comfortable on camera, don't go on camera. The Riddler was a shy kid with an evil mind and no people skills. He didn't have the charisma people associate with a super-villain. So what did he do? He found an actor, J. Reinhold Howard, who did have the skills. It was Reinhold who provided the face and voice that terrorized a city. Only Batman, the Riddler, and I knew who the real mastermind was a shy, awkward kid who never had the guts to ask out a girl.

Maybe now Mephisto will take my advice and enroll in that public speaking course.

SMERSH developed the propulsion system that powered the Green Goblin's flier. Kingpin developed the formula for Penguin gas. Poison Ivy bought the rights to her gimmick from someone who tried and rejected it: Dr. Doom. The right tools for the right villain are out there. It's all in who you know.

Space is cold. There's nothing to see, nothing to do, and zero G gets old after about five minutes. And there's no TV. You can't pick up satellite television when you're up floating around next to the satellites. We have a beautiful world full of unexplored territory. Unless you're a five hundred pound fatty who would benefit from space's lack of gravity in a fight, there's just no reason to go to space.

Amos Octobrain called. He’s in Vienna putting together another plot to hold the world ransom, but this time out he's having a little difficulty recruiting help. He asked for advice. I told him the same thing I tried to tell him before: don't shoot your henchmen.

All super-villains are greedy. No one wants to share the spoils. But if there's a chance you might be pulling off another heist, the worst thing you can do is execute all your men when their work is complete.

Take care of your people, and they will take care of you. Shoot them, and hiring more becomes a little tricky.

Kids today. They hatch a scheme to take over the world, they find a dummy corporation to invest in them, and they blow half of it on cars, stereos, and Xbox. They don't know how to think long term.

Invest in your super weapons, your lairs, and your infrastructure. If you win, you'll have the rest of your life to play Xbox… unless you plan to send the world back to the stone age, which would put a crimp in your dream of playing Xbox the rest of your life.

One more point: invest in your people. An Xbox in the breakroom or a nice TV and some movies will go a long way to boosting morale on an uncharted island. I can't say this enough: invest in your people, and they will pay you back with interest.

I ran into Catwoman in Chicago last weekend. We rolled a few frames at Lucky Strike, then we held up the snack bar for old time’s sake. Sweet gal, but geez, she has men issues. Seriously, Dr. Phil would have a field day with that woman.

Don't call yourself Doctor if you're not one. Don't call yourself Professor; no one's afraid of college teachers any more. And if you're going to be (Something) Man, for heaven's sake, have a purpose in it. Lizard Man didn't look, talk, or act like a lizard. He just liked the name. The guy didn't even like lizards. He was scared of them.

Some guys have the gift for ad libbing. Some don't. That's why there are writers. A simple ad in Variety or on Craig's List will net you half a starving comedy writers who would sell their souls for a paycheck and a credit. They don't even have to meet you or know you're really evil. Just tell them you're producing a movie, give them some plot points, and ask them to write a few good lines for the villain.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. The Joker did it for years. Who do you think discovered Sam Kinison?

Never hire anyone smarter than you. A smarter person who believes in your cause will find a way to toss you out the window and take over.

Hire henchmen, computer techs, and lackeys. Kidnap scientists. If the scientists don’t want to do your dirty work, kidnap their attractive daughters. If they won’t do your dirty work to save themselves, they will for their daughters.

Ernst called me last night. Once upon a time he was the most feared man on the planet. Now he's running a fantasy football league online. How the mighty have fallen.

Don't use your super-villain status to pick up women. If you have to go after hot chicks, use a second identity. Girls talk, and girls are easily seduced by slick spies who can make them talk. Learn from James Bond movies, people. And while we're on the subject, can we stop with the creative death scenarios? A bullet in the head is not as exciting as being eaten by sharks, but it's quicker, and it gets the job done.

I always encourage lair owners to run Hero Drills. It's like a fire drill, except you're practicing for an invasion by a super hero/spy rather than a fire. Make sure your men know how to properly seal exits, establish a defensive front, contain, and then eliminate a threat. The best way to prevent a well-trained spy from bringing down your evil empire is to confront them will a well-trained response force.

You might also want to plan on having a gun range in the basement. Make sure your guys can shoot straight. In the long run you'll save on bullets. And embarrassment.

All super-villains have egos. The good guys know this, and they know the easiest way to uncover an evil plan is to get captured and get the bad guy talking. How many super-villains are guilty of self-indulgent speeches, revealing every detail of their plan for world domination in moments of supreme overconfidence? Then the next thing you know, the hero has stopped the doomsday device, and the villain is a grease spot on the wall of his lair.

Keep your secret plans secret. And when the good guy ends up in your clutches, don’t talk to him. Just kill him.

If you’re going to be handling a deadly virus, make sure you have the antidote on hand.

I had always assumed these words were simple common sense, but if it was, I wouldn’t be flying to Beirut for Toxic Chaka’s funeral.

Copyright 2008 by John Cosper